You jaundiced young whippersnapper, Justin!
The only part of your rant I would take serious issue with is your dismissal of the programs. This is what ( in my humble opinion, and also that of many esteemed colleagues ) makes the whole greater than the sum of its parts. There's nothing exciting or ground breaking lashed to a Gigbar, it's just a lightshow on a stick.
Mind you, it was once possible to get a Gigbar in a box. Still is, if you have money, and a DMX controller big enough.
The Swiss Army Knife of lights. Everything that's on a Gigbar, but in a box, for half the price. Sadly discontinued.
Blimey, they've rationalised the DMX channels! The Chauvet that the Hadron copied. It used to use over fifty channels, but now it's two or eighteen. Game changer for a man with a thirty two channel controller.
Oh dear, I think I've just identified my next lighting purchase.