Candybeatdiscos
19-04-2009, 07:41 PM
heard these today and had a laugh - thought i would share with you all
"Dave the Glasweigan is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.
"Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"
"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"
Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about Scottish Football.
He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1966 Scottish cup final?"
"Rangers," came the instantaneous reply.
Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"
"Celtic," replied the memory man.
Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"
The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "1-0 after an intital 0-0 draw."
Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Kai Johansen."
Dave is stunned and returns home to Glasgow, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.
Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.
"How," Dave says.
The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box."
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A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door....
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you he's lying by telling you I was speeding, too"
"Dave the Glasweigan is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.
"Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"
"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"
Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about Scottish Football.
He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1966 Scottish cup final?"
"Rangers," came the instantaneous reply.
Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"
"Celtic," replied the memory man.
Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"
The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "1-0 after an intital 0-0 draw."
Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Kai Johansen."
Dave is stunned and returns home to Glasgow, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.
Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.
"How," Dave says.
The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box."
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A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door....
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you he's lying by telling you I was speeding, too"