Grammar / sentence guru needed!

[Spirits High]

Hi guys,

I'm in the middle of doing some new promo stuff (flyers etc)

Now I've got this paragraph in but to me it doesn't read right:

Spirits High Entertainments is run by Paul Thompson. Having built our reputation in Northern Ireland looking after countless Weddings and birthday parties in May of 2007 we re-located to Derbyshire.

Can someone structure it for me please if you know what I mean ;)

[DJNutter]

"Originally from Northern Ireland, Paul Thomson brings Spirits High Entertainments to Derbyshire, Spirits High Entertainments has a well earned reputation for expertise in Weddings and Birthday parties and is now available for bookings in the Derbyshire area."

Not sure on your context though - did you move in 2007 ?

[Spirits High]

"Originally from Northern Ireland, Paul Thomson brings Spirits High Entertainments to Derbyshire, Spirits High Entertainments has a well earned reputation for expertise in Weddings and Birthday parties and is now available for bookings in the Derbyshire area."

Not sure on your context though - did you move in 2007 ?

Not actually originally from "Norn Iron" I was working out there at the time I relaunched Spirits.

I moved over from Belfast in August 2007 with a job relocation.

[NKR]

In my opinion you just need to cut the end of the sentence from .... In May ... and put it at the front to read.

In May 2007 we relocated to Derbyshire having built our reputation performing at numerous weddings and parties in Northern Ireland.

Emphasis is then on the current with where you previously built your reputation in support. Sentence is also more concise and reads easier. The Birthday on parties added nothing and actually narrowed your experience.

Thats my opinion, but others may disagree.

[Spirits High]

In my opinion you just need to cut the end of the sentence from .... In May ... and put it at the front to read.

In May 2007 we relocated to Derbyshire having built our reputation performing at numerous weddings and parties in Northern Ireland.

Emphasis is then on the current with where you previously built your reputation in support. Sentence is also more concise and reads easier. The Birthday on parties added nothing and actually narrowed your experience.

Thats my opinion, but others may disagree.

I can see what you're doing there ;)

No doubt Soundtracker will be along soon with the correct version of the Queens English :D

[soundtracker]

Eek, the pressure!! Bit :Censored: at the mo, I'll have a gander tomorrow!

[Spirits High]

Eek, the pressure!! Bit :Censored: at the mo, I'll have a gander tomorrow!

Ah ha! As if by magic he appears :D :D

[Dynamic Entertainment]

Bit :Censored:....at 10.13pm :eek: ....i want what you were drinking.

Hangover? :D

[Spirits High]

Eek, the pressure!! Bit :Censored: at the mo, I'll have a gander tomorrow!


All together now WAKE UP Peter :D :D

[SC Events]

:lol:

...something tells me he might not be around for a bit...Although I could be wrong as he is showing 'Online' :D :D :D

[Shaun]

Eek, the pressure!! Bit :Censored: at the mo, I'll have a gander tomorrow!

Is that why I've had to go around this thread editing posts? :beer1: :d

[soundtracker]

Morning, morning! IMHO the best idea is to keep things simple and uncomplicated and not to give people too much info to confuse them or make them think too hard, so I would go for something like:

Spirits High Entertainment is a Professional Disco Service based in Derbyshire. It is owned and operated by Paul Thompson who has been a successful DJ for over xx years.

[rob1963]

In my opinion you just need to cut the end of the sentence from .... In May ... and put it at the front to read.

In May 2007 we relocated to Derbyshire having built our reputation performing at numerous weddings and parties in Northern Ireland.

Emphasis is then on the current with where you previously built your reputation in support. Sentence is also more concise and reads easier. The Birthday on parties added nothing and actually narrowed your experience.

Thats my opinion, but others may disagree.

I completely agree...and I know a bit about the English language!

:D :D :D

[Spirits High]

Morning, morning! IMHO the best idea is to keep things simple and uncomplicated and not to give people too much info to confuse them or make them think too hard, so I would go for something like:

Spirits High Entertainment is a Professional Disco Service based in Derbyshire. It is owned and operated by Paul Thompson who has been a successful DJ for over xx years.

Morning Peter, how's the head :D :D


I completely agree...and I know a bit about the English language!

:D :D :D

Thanks guys....two options now ;)

[soundtracker]

Absolutely fine mate, off to meet Theo for lunch in an hour or so!

The reason that I left out the relocation bit was to save on clients speculating as to why you had left N.I, saves you having to explain yourself!

[jeff wood]

why mention Northern Ireland at all ?

just put you've been working "over seas" but have now relocated to derbyshire...

:)

[Corabar Entertainment]

If I read 'working overseas' my mind would automatically impose an image of a club DJ (not necessarily correct, I know). Nothing wrong with that, but it might not necessaily be the impression that Paul wants to give.

[rob1963]

If I read 'working overseas' my mind would automatically impose an image of a club DJ

I'm not so sure about that.

Vectis works overseas all the time, and he's not a club DJ!

:D

[Corabar Entertainment]

If I read 'working overseas' my mind would automatically impose an image of a club DJ (not necessarily correct, I know). Nothing wrong with that, but it might not necessaily be the impression that Paul wants to give.


I'm not so sure about that.

Vectis works overseas all the time, and he's not a club DJ!

:D...I'm glad you're not so sure about what my mind would think, Rob! :p

[rob1963]

...I'm glad you're not so sure about what my mind would think, Rob! :p

Lol!

I meant I'm not so sure TOO MANY peoples minds would think that!

:D