Babybob's jokes thread

[Babybob]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with shutter speeds so fast it is now possible to take a photo of a woman with her gob shut.:D :)

[Corabar Entertainment]

:mad: :mad: :p :p

[SC Events]

:lol:....where can you buy these cameras haha? :D :D

[Penfold42]

He said woman not chick! :D

*It's getting a bit old now....so that was last time. *

[Corabar Entertainment]

shaddup! :p

[DiscoPete]

LOL !!! that's funny. My Mrs not impressed though!

[Mark Wild]

Straight onto my facebook status, love it LOL

[Babybob]

My mate's girlfriend is so fat, when she fell down the stairs the other night I thought Eastenders was starting.
:p :p :D

[Megamix]

My wife's so fat - she had to have her ears pierced so the kids could watch telly

[DiscoPete]

My mates Girlfriend is so fat that she arrives 1HR before her a$$ does!

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

...and these are supposed to be funny?

It's like having Bernard Manning on the forum.

[Marc J]

My mate's girlfriend is so fat, when she fell down the stairs the other night I thought Eastenders was starting.
:p :p :D

Surely ending would be at least a little funnier?

[Megamix]

...and these are supposed to be funny?

It's like having Bernard Manning on the forum.

There's a black fella... a Pakistani and a Jew having a drink in a nightclub. What a fine example of an integrated community.

[Charlie Brown]

:lol: Very good. ;)

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

There's a black fella... a Pakistani and a Jew having a drink in a nightclub. What a fine example of an integrated community.

And this proves what exactly?

[Penfold42]

I'm really confused by this thread....or is it me? :confused:

[rob1963]

I'm really confused by this thread....or is it me? :confused:

It's not just you, Tony!

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

It appears to be a thread full of unfunny jokes from the 1970s when it was considered OK to tell these kind of gags as people didn't know any better and thought Jim Davidson and Bernard Manning were actually funny.

[Penfold42]

It's not just you, Tony!
Ah good.....I thought I had too much beer on a Sunday and was being to feel :Censored: .......:D


..Jim Davidson and Bernard Manning were actually funny.

I actually liked these, even went and saw JD.......but then I grew up...:o ;) :D

[Megamix]

...whereas in 2010 we get Frankie Boyle saying "Rebecca Adlington resembled someone who's looking at themselves in the back of a spoon"
I think sometimes people just get a little touchy over jokes - it is after all, just a joke

[StarZSoundS]

It appears to be a thread full of unfunny jokes from the 1970s when it was considered OK to tell these kind of gags as people didn't know any better and thought Jim Davidson and Bernard Manning were actually funny.

I must admit comedy has improved ten-fold since those days....unlike the music which has taken huge steps backwards.;)

I live the observational comedy of Lee Evans,Jack Dee and Peter Kaye...very funny.:D :D :D :D

Hey Darren we've agreed on something!!:D ;) :D ;)

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

...whereas in 2010 we get Frankie Boyle saying "Rebecca Adlington resembled someone who's looking at themselves in the back of a spoon"
I think sometimes people just get a little touchy over jokes - it is after all, just a joke

Not if it's not funny it ain't...

I don't find Frankie Boyle overly funny either. He just goes for the shock joke all the time, pushing the boundaries of taste and cringeworthyness. (if that's even a word!)

[Corabar Steve]

There's a black fella... a Pakistani and a Jew having a drink in a nightclub. What a fine example of an integrated community.


And this proves what exactly?
It proves that he remembers a John Thompson sketch on the Fast Show.

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

It proves that he remembers a John Thompson sketch on the Fast Show.

A sketch that I was in and I can't remember? :o :D

[Corabar Steve]

:lol:

[Babybob]

It appears to be a thread full of unfunny jokes from the 1970s when it was considered OK to tell these kind of gags as people didn't know any better and thought Jim Davidson and Bernard Manning were actually funny.

My OP was about Eastenders, as far as I know it was not broadcast during the 70's.
The couple after it were quite poor though.;)

Bernard Manning and Jim Davidson were considered funny (by some) in their day but obviously as times change they were considered racist, they did quite well out of it though, how many Ginger people do you know who has married 5 models. ;) :D

[WWDJ]

how many Ginger people do you know who has married 5 models. ;) :D

.... methinks of joke which is beyond the taste and acceptance for this forum ... :D

Well I liked the Eastenders joke :thumbs_up:

As for comedians in general, we have definately moved on since Bernard Manning and Jim Davidson, but they were more socially acceptable at the time, not that it was really 'right' in my opinion.

There are a lot of comedians out each catering to a different market and using different material
- Peter Kay and Michael McIntyre are very middle of the road, observational, funny and universally acceptable
- Frankie Boyle, Jimmy Carr, Rufus Hound, Frank Skinner (brilliant live) are in paticular quite cutting and will push the boundries a bit of taste
- Reginald D Hunter and several others use their origins (USA in Reg's case) and colour as material

I tend to like them all, but my missus normally likes the observational comedy.

[Babybob]

I'm a big fan of QI and Mock the Week along with Buzzcocks and don't really go for the typical gag telling comic. Rhod Gilbert is one of my favourite stand up comics at the moment and his new programme is great, but he is Welsh after all. :p

[Babybob]

Dear John

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV.
My car started stalling and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.
He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila



Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

John

[DJWilson]

:lol: Very good indeed.

[rob1963]

:rofl:

[SC Events]

:lol:

[Daryll]

PMSL

:D :D


Daryll

[UltraBeat Entertainment]

:thumbsup:

[Dance FX]

What can I say! :eek:

LOL

[Chris1984]

brilliant!

[Babybob]

I bought the wife a new bag and belt for Valentines Day.





The Hoover works a treat now. ;) :p

[Babybob]

Things are bad at home, the wife says she's sick of me, football, rugby, cricket, always sport on the telly.

Anyway, I booked a nice quiet table for two last night to try and patch things up.

By 9pm things were ten times worse!


















She hadn't potted a single red.....

:D :p

[rob1963]

Things are bad at home, the wife says she's sick of me, football, rugby, cricket, always sport on the telly.

Anyway, I booked a nice quiet table for two last night to try and patch things up.

By 9pm things were ten times worse!



She hadn't potted a single red.....

:D :p

:Laugh:

[rob1963]

I bought the wife a new bag and belt for Valentines Day.





The Hoover works a treat now. ;) :p

:lol:

[UltraBeat Entertainment]

:Laugh:

[Babybob]

Try this (http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tts/tts_example.php?sitepal)....very clever.
;)

[Mark Wild]

Now try it without using any profanities lol

[Babybob]

Impossible...hehe.

[Babybob]

When I was a kid Mum would send me to the shops with 50p.
I could get a Wham bar, a bag of Pick'n'Mix, a comic, a can of coca cola, a gob stopper, a big bag of crisps and still come home with change.

You can't do that these days....and why?????

























:Censored: CCTV.

;)

[UltraBeat Entertainment]

:eek: :Laugh:

[Mark Wild]

Wasn't 50p enough to buy all that and have change when you were a kid anyway? lol (Tea Leaf)

[Corabar Entertainment]

I've merged all of your jokes in to 1 thread now. you can add any new ones in here rather than starting a new thread each time ;)

[Babybob]

Ok thanks Angela, I take it my "Dinner bell" gag didn't make it passed the censor. ;) I wonder why? :p

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

Ok thanks Angela, I take it my "Dinner bell" gag didn't make it passed the censor. ;) I wonder why? :p

Cos it wasn't funny.

[Corabar Entertainment]

Well, using that criteria, shouldn't we delete all of them? :D

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

Well, using that criteria, shouldn't we delete all of them? :D

Good idea..:sj:

[Babybob]

Well, using that criteria, shouldn't we delete all of them? :D


Well there were some smilies posted on most of them so they must have made some people laugh....:)

You can please some of the people some of the time but you can't please all of the people all of the time......to quote a famous phrase.

[StarZSoundS]

Well there were some smilies posted on most of them so they must have made some people laugh....:)

You can please some of the people some of the time but you can't please all of the people all of the time......to quote a famous phrase.



I enjoyed some of the gags and it made a break from all the "woe is me" threads we have had just recently!!;) ;)


I vote that the thread stays.....which will obviously give it the"kiss of death":eek: :eek: :eek:

[Corabar Entertainment]

I vote that the thread stays.....Did you not see the smilies at the end of both Darren's and my post?

Once again: We're not in the habit of deleting things for the hell of it! :bang:

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

I vote that the thread stays.....

What on earth made you think that this is a democracy? ;)

[Excalibur]

What on earth made you think that this is a democracy? ;)

Tell me it's at worst an Oligarchy, please. ;)

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

Tell me it's at worst an Oligarchy, please. ;)

I'll have to look it up first. ;)

[Mark Wild]

More jokes Bob, QUICK !

[StarZSoundS]

I'll have to look it up first. ;)

Beat you....


Wikpaedia....Power within an elite group......(i'm saying nothing:eek: :eek: :eek: )

Peter ...you are damn intelligent.

Do you think we could draw a team together for Eggheads??

I've auditioned before for it with a team for work....it's easy to get an audition....;) ;)

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

Peter ...you are damn intelligent.



Funny, 'cos when you meet him, he doesn't use any of the language or words he uses on here....;)

[StarZSoundS]

6 people required....

Angie,Steve,Darren,Peter,Rab James and .........?????

[Excalibur]

Beat you....


Wikpaedia....Power within an elite group......(i'm saying nothing:eek: :eek: :eek: )

Peter ...you are damn intelligent.

Do you think we could draw a team together for Eggheads??

I've auditioned before for it with a team for work....it's easy to get an audition....;) ;)

As I'm sure I've said before, and others have joked, at school I did Latin and Greek. It's the best possible way to learn English, bar none.

From the Greek, Oligos-few, Arche-command. I once called a mate a Plutocrat, and he had to go home and look it up to see whether I'd insulted him!! :D :D

( Ploutos-wealth, Kratos-power )


Funny, 'cos when you meet him, he doesn't use any of the language or words he uses on here....;)
Elementary my dear Watson. Without the aid of Wiki or Google, you wouldn't be able to understand me. :p :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

Funny, 'cos when you meet him, he doesn't use any of the language or words he uses on here....;)

Having said that, he always gives me beer, so who cares. :thumbsup:

[Excalibur]

Having said that, he always gives me beer, so who cares. :thumbsup:
Give!!:eek: :eek: Oh no mate, Renumeration, not gifts. :Naughty:

Life isn't all beer and skittles, but beer and skittles, or something better of the same sort, must form a good part of every Englishman's education.
Thomas Hughes

Prohibition makes you want to cry into your beer and denies you the beer to cry into.
Don Marquis

There's something sexy about a gut. Not a 400-pound beer gut, but a little paunch. I love that.
Sandra Bullock
( Hey, I'm in with a chance there then! :D :D )

Beer is living proof that God loves us, and wants us to be happy
Benjamin Franklin.

[PropellerHeadCase]

Going back to favourite comedians for a bit... here's my current favourite:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-OrfALplXA


And if you think you might've seen 'im somewhere:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIm8WgwkTeI

And...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pccglLpm12o

[DeckstarDeluxe]

thought this was a jokes thread??

[Babybob]

Ok i'll oblige with another poor offering.....

My wife says I never do anything to "Take her breath away"...




I've just hidden her inhaler....that should do the trick. :(

[Babybob]

And another....

The people of Liverpool (insert any place) are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns and drugs behind the Job Centre yesterday.

A spokesman for the city added....

"The people of Liverpool had no idea they had a job centre". :D ;)


Sorry to any Scousers and believe it or not i'm a Liverpool fan.

[Babybob]

Ok one more before I go home to bed (from work)....

Every Man's Dream....

Daughter on the cover of Vogue.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of Playboy.

And the wife on the cover of missing persons. :eek:

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

thought this was a jokes thread??

So did I.

I was wrong...:D

[simonp]

You can please some of the people some of the time but you can't please all of the people all of the time......to quote a famous phrase.

You've actually misquoted the original phrase, which is

""You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time."

And although the quote was made famous by JFK, most people believed (Ted Sorenson (Kennedy's Speechwriter)), lifted from a quote by Ab Lincoln - but he didn't, the quote belonged (if that is the right word) to Phineas (P.T.) Barnham. :devil:

[Babybob]

I haven't misquoted anyone, the phrase I used was famously used by my father during many household disagreements with my mother....hehe.

[Tom]

Going back to favourite comedians for a bit... here's my current favourite:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-OrfALplXA


And if you think you might've seen 'im somewhere:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIm8WgwkTeI

And...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pccglLpm12o


Tim Minchin is awesome. Just like Bill bailey where they both use music in their acts. :)

[simonp]

I haven't misquoted anyone, the phrase I used was famously used by my father during many household disagreements with my mother....hehe.

T'was your father misquoting then :lol:

[SC Events]

...After I posted it, I thought it might sharply disappear....sorry :o :(

:beer1:

[Corabar Entertainment]

:d

[Corabar Steve]

:lol:http://planetsmilies.net/sign-smiley-438.gif (http://planetsmilies.net):lol:

Shame it was deleted, it's the funniest joke in the whole thread

[SC Events]

:lol:http://planetsmilies.net/sign-smiley-438.gif (http://planetsmilies.net):lol:

Shame it was deleted, it's the funniest joke in the whole thread

...It was lol :sofa: :D

[Corabar Steve]

Sick, but funny.

You're not Frankie Boyle in disguise are you Scott?

[SC Events]

Nope...

...but I do look like one of The Proclaimers :sj: :D :D :p

[PropellerHeadCase]

Really? Which one ;)

[StarZSoundS]

Really? Which one ;)


Pause.......Waiting for Max.......:sj: :sj: :sj: :sj: :sj: :sj: :sj: :sj:

[StarZSoundS]

Pause.......Waiting for Max.......:sj: :sj: :sj: :sj: :sj: :sj: :sj: :sj:



Max.....don't fail me now....great opportunity for one of your one liners;) ;) ;) ;)

[Excalibur]

I know he won't like me spreading this one around ( which makes it all the more sweet) but recently Penmare had a bad day at the office. :( He walked in after a trying day to find nobody there, except the CEO of the company, the Big Cheese, the Head Honcho. Poor soul was standing by the shredder with a puzzled look on his face. " Ah Tony, can you help me? I can't seem to get this machine to work". Our hero leaps into action, eager to impress with his technical skills. He switches on the dormant machine and inserts the document proudly, beaming as it heads into the bowels of the machine to its imminent destructiuon.

" My secretary spent all night typing that up Tony, it's a top-secret, ultra sensitive document about an amazing new product which could make this company millions. Three copies should be enough thanks"

[mike8863]

I'm a big fan of QI and Mock the Week along with Buzzcocks and don't really go for the typical gag telling comic. Rhod Gilbert is one of my favourite stand up comics at the moment and his new programme is great, but he is Welsh after all. :p

great dvd, and lee mack is great, went to see him last week, very good.

[Babybob]

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful,
produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so
they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever
the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was

very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the
other side.

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Wales ..

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?

"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Wales"

[Babybob]

This is a real tough one!!

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer,
you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


THE SITUATION:

You are in London There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane
with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into
the water.

Nat ure is unleashing all of its destructive fury.


THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the
debris.

You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realise who it is... It's Muslim cleric Abu Hamza - the
hook handed guy



You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Prize winning
photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most notorious and
powerful men!



THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

[Babybob]

Yorkshire guy is travelling around the Greek Islands .
He walks into a bar and by chance is served by a Yorkshire barmaid.
As she takes his order of a pint of Tetley Bitter, she notices his accent.

Over the course of the evening, they get chatting.
At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him, she says no.
He then offers to pay her £200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again.
Again he orders Tetley's and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for another £200.

Remembering the payout from the night before she happily agrees.
This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Tetley's but goes
and sits in the corner.
The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she

can shake some more cash out of him.So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Yorkshire .
'Leeds ' he tells her.
'So am I, what suburb?' She enquires
Headingley' he replies
'That's amazing' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'
'Boycott Street ' he replies
'That is unbelievable.......' She says, her voice quivering.
'What number?'
'Number 20' he replies
She is totally astonished .
'You are not going to believe this she screams, but I'm from number 22, my parents still live there.'







'I know..' he says, 'Your Dad gave me £1,000 to give to you.'



HE WHO DRINKS YORKSHIRE, THINKS YORKSHIRE