No Class

[Charlie Brown]

Howdy,

I've been looking round a few cruise sites and I'm in stiches after reading what this Major had to say about P&O. Worth a read when you have 10 minutes spare.

Enjoy. :beer1:

Embarkation very slow and disorganised - took 32 minutes from arrival at check in until we got on board. The décor is too modern and boring. No real wood or antiques to be seen.


We were not permitted access to our suite until 2pm so decided to seek sustenance. Disgusted to find no restaurant open for proper lunch service so had no option but to use the buffet. Swarming with “chavs” like a plague of locusts devouring every last morsel from the troughs of tepid food, reminiscent of poor quality school dinners. Expected to see turkey twizzlers. Cold selection extremely poor and unappetising - couldn’t even get a freshly tossed salad. Hot dessert was stodgy and most cold desserts were made with synthetic cream. No proper cheese selection. As you have probably guessed my lady wife and I are pretty discerning when it comes to dining, but on this ship the food included in the fare was universally disappointing.


When we got into our suite, it was not a proper suite but a room with a curtain. Superficially it looked clean but when my lady wife carried out her usual “white glove test” it didn’t take long for traces of dust to be detected, especially after poking behind the televisions. On the up side, the saving we made on the tip we withheld from our cabin boy went a long way to compensate for this filth.


Breakfast was taken in Seventeen. Food was no better than ok, but at least it was an opportunity to escape from the riff raff. Ordered smoked salmon with scrambled eggs and was disappointed that the salmon was not carved at the table, as it was in the evening - totally spoilt the meal. In fairness, Seventeen was slightly better for dinner and I did have a steak that I would rate as acceptable but not up to my reference standard, which remains the Berni Inn (sadly gone now, but not forgotten). I also suspect the foie gras served was that ethically sourced variety from Spain, because it wasn’t rich enough. Poor show.


Sindhu is a trumped up Indian restaurant. The chef must be completely devoid of any understanding of spicing. Couldn’t even get a basic mutton vindaloo or onion bhaji far less something as exotic as chicken tikka massala, which is Lady Pratt’s favourite. All food lacked sufficient spice. Many of us are much more discerning these days and if P&O want to charge us for food over and above what we have paid for, they should get a chef who knows the basics.


My lady wife and I are fascinated to observe how ordinary folk behave. There is nowhere better to people watch than around the pools. Here they are exposed in the raw – no pretence of class, hiding behind tuxedos or fancy dresses. Loads of tattooed men and women with piercings, stuffing their faces with burgers and chips, washed down with gallons of lager.


To secure a good vantage point I recommend getting up on deck at around 8am and get two pairs of deck chairs before having breakfast, one pair in the sun and one pair in the shade. Reserve with towels and library books, old magazines and any other old tat that has no value. This way you get the best of both worlds and can come and go as you please. One day, having spent most of the day on our huge balcony, we never got back to use our deck chairs but it was nice to see that they remained reserved when we returned to retrieve our bits at about 5pm. You would think more passengers would have got up early enough to save a good deck chair but perhaps they were either too dim or lazy. You could see many people who left it to chance hovering, often for an hour or more, in the desperate hope that a deck chair would become free. In fact I saw one woman leap for joy from her motorised buggy when a deck chair was vacated.


I asked our butler to address me as either Major or Sir, but he insisted on referring to me as Mr Walter, which irritated me intensely. Further, I had come away without my moustache hairnet and asked him to fetch me one but he said the ship had run out, and he didn’t even offer to go and buy one when we got into port. All these fancy toiletries but no essentials. Needless to say these matters were reflected in the tip we didn’t leave.


Our waiter in the Oriental had terrible B.O. By the end of the cruise the only tip I wanted to give him was to improve his personal hygiene. Being a sensitive sort I decided to avoid any upset and went to Seventeen on the last night to avoid the situation. In any case I do feel it is reward enough for these people that they have had the opportunity to serve their betters.


Cruising has not been the same since the demise of the Andes – now that did have what I call class.



....http://www.cruise.co.uk/cruise-reviews/pando-cruises/azura/read_review_23484/ - Here's the link to read how he responds to peoples comments.

[Charlie Brown]

...Not saying I agree with him BTW. I think he is a pompus stuck up goon but it made me laugh.

[Corabar Entertainment]

I think it's a spoof, actually...

another :whoosh: moment there again, I fear Charlie!

:lol:

[Corabar Steve]

I think it's a spoof, actually...

another :whoosh: moment there again, I fear Charlie!

:lol:
http://planetsmilies.net/sign-smiley-438.gif (http://planetsmilies.net)

Jeeves was laughing at it so hard that he forgot he was ironing my beard hair net & scorched it.

I have to say I sympathise with the author, that is truly shoddy service.

[Excalibur]

http://planetsmilies.net/sign-smiley-438.gif (http://planetsmilies.net)

Jeeves was laughing at it so hard that he forgot he was ironing my beard hair net & scorched it.

I have to say I sympathise with the author, that is truly shoddy service.

I liked his use of the language. Do you think we could sign him up on here? I liked him.

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, not every word you see in print is absolutely, totally and utterly serious. ( Especially when I'm typing them , but this bit in parentheses here is serious ).

[Charlie Brown]

:lol:

I think he is real. He has a lot of respect on this cruise forum. There are people in the world like him...aren't there?

Thought you would Peter. ;)

[Excalibur]

:lol:

I think he is real. He has a lot of respect on this cruise forum. There are people in the world like him...aren't there?

Thought you would Peter. ;)

He may be real, he isn't everything he appears to be though. ;) Watch out for him referring to his wife as " The Memsahib " ;) ;) :D :D

[BeerFunk]

OK I'm going to ask then, if no-one else will :p

Why is a 17 year old boy reading forums about cruises?? :confused: :daft:

[funkymook]

I think he is real. He has a lot of respect on this cruise forum. There are people in the world like him...aren't there?


Yes - but not writing like that on cruise ship sites!

But if you enjoyed it then his job is done...

And if you haven't already, recommended reading - P G Wodehouse (I prefer the Blandings series over Jeeves) and Jerome K Jeromes' - Three Men In A Boat.

[Charlie Brown]

OK I'm going to ask then, if no-one else will :p

Why is a 17 year old boy reading forums about cruises?? :confused: :daft:

Je suis un cas particulier.

[Excalibur]

OK I'm going to ask then, if no-one else will :p

Why is a 17 year old boy reading forums about cruises?? :confused: :daft:

He's planning on going on a cruise?

Charlie, watch out for rule 23. ;) I broke it once, but I think I got away with it. :D :D

[Charlie Brown]

He's planning on going on a cruise?

Charlie, watch out for rule 23. ;) I broke it once, but I think I got away with it. :D :D

Ahhh, Oui!

I won't start practising my Polish then. :p

[Excalibur]

Ahhh, Oui!

I won't start practising my Polish then. :p

Is that a pledge Charlie? :coat:

[Corabar Steve]

Stop it :sj:

[simonp]

Is that a pledge Charlie? :coat:

ouch - dear oh dear oh dear :Tumble:

[Charlie Brown]

Is that a pledge Charlie? :coat:


Stop it :sj:


ouch - dear oh dear oh dear :Tumble:

:whoosh:

[Excalibur]

:whoosh:

If I have to explain every joke, I'm going to have to resort to being serious, and you wouldn't like me when I'm serious. ;)

Charlie. Polish. Pledge. See below

[Charlie Brown]

No, I'm not attracting attention etc but I thought I'd share his latest review. I found it very amusing.

CLASS of 2011

A cautionary word before we start. This is a very long review and contains frank observations. May I respectfully suggest that all chavs, socialists, couch potatoes, the educationally subnormal or those with the attention span of a goldfish should now proceed directly to the last paragraph. There you will find a nice little synopsis of my review that should avoid offence or taxing your brains too much.

Now that we have got rid of that mob, let us begin. First a little background information and some context. My lady wife and I normally cruise four or five times per annum. In the early part of Gordon Brown’s recession we quite foolishly cut back on expenditure and cruised with P&O. Interest rates had plummeted and we were concerned that our investments were in danger of returning less than 20K a month. We suddenly realised that we had bought into the sense of mass fear deliberately engendered by the press and the politicians. Lets face it for people like us with large country estates and massive inherited wealth, the economic downturn in reality matters not one jot as to how we can afford to live.

Further, I cannot speak highly enough of the Armed Forces pensions. Inflation linked from age fifty-five and so generous we barely have to dip into our investments. The best part is we never had to pay a penny piece towards them as they are totally funded by today’s taxpayers! We should thank all those high-achieving top earners in the magnificent private sector and in particular the indomitable investment bankers with their huge and totally justified bonuses. They pay unfair and disproportionate sums in tax. All fair-minded folk would surely agree that an incalculable debt is due to them. We are all in it together? Hilarious! Pass me another bottle of Dom Perignon!

Our usual cruise line of preference is Cunard, simply because it is the last cruise line that retains distinct class segregation, properly recognising those of superior class and wealth, like my lady wife and me. Indeed on some of their ships it is possible to almost completely avoid interacting with any of the ordinary folk, if one is careful enough. We had intended that our next cruise would be on Queen Elizabeth but it has had to be postponed…

Our son Alexander and his lady frau Hildegard asked us to take the grandchildren off their hands for a couple of weeks, during the summer break from Charterhouse. I know what you are thinking - imagine the son of such a noble British officer and gentleman marrying a German. Well forgive and forget is my motto… and looking at the state of Europe these days you do have to ask the question - who really won? Anyway on the upside, Hildegard is heiress apparent to the “Über” dynasty, so it shouldn’t be too long before it all pays off, big time. One issue I do have with her is that she is one of these modern women who choose to encumber the fruit of their union with double-barrelled surnames. I just have to bite my tongue and think of the enormous inheritance heading their way.

Originally only the twins, Crispin and Jasper, were to be with us but Clarissa’s dates for finishing school were changed so she was also able to join us. We wanted to choose a ship that would offer an action-packed activity abundant cruise that would appeal to the younger generation so we opted for the Independence of the Seas.

We managed to secure the Presidential Family Suite that is normally sold only to larger parties. Bearing in mind it has four bedrooms, it seemed like an absolute snip at a smidgen over 15K. Passengers occupying such top end suites should be entitled to expect conspicuous VIP treatment. We should be visibly fussed over in full view of the common folk occupying ordinary cabins, of which there are literally thousands. Sadly I do have to accept that the days of tugging the forelock have passed. Nevertheless, other means of proper recognition of our status should be found. For example why can’t they use half a dozen female crewmembers to sprinkle rose petals at our feet as we traipse along the never-ending corridors leading to our exclusive quarters?

Whilst impressed by its sheer size, my lady wife and I felt the suite did not live up to expectations - especially the bathrooms, which lacked opulence. The addition of a couple of leather Chesterfields, extensive solid oak panelling and an open-hearth fire burning real wood logs would have enhanced it considerably. One positive was the huge balcony with a sizeable Jacuzzi. My lady wife carried out a thorough cleanliness inspection. Her trusty “white glove test” was backed with a magnifying glass to expose the merest hint of dirt invisible to the naked eye. Sure enough, after a rudimentary sweep traces of dust could be detected. Excellent news - the tips for the cabin boy could now quite justifiably be cancelled. Whilst there I also asked reception to cancel the tips for the waiting staff and implied we would reward them individually. Avoids any awkwardness.

The ship is rather glitzy with much to stimulate the senses. Disney World meets Westfield shopping mall comes to mind - a kind of floating American theme park. The hoards of passengers are referred to as “guests” (be our guest – but pay up first); “guests” never have to queue but do have to “stand in line” – and rather a lot actually; when they leave the ship the “guests” do not disembark they “debark” and hence when they board, presumably they “bark”, woof, woof!

Passengers are treated to Royal Caribbean’s American style of service. This means the crew has been ordered to provide genuinely friendly service - even if it has to be delivered through gritted teeth. Especially so when they are dealing with the British. Crewmembers are compelled to acknowledge every passenger they encounter. The sincerity of their greetings rivals that of “Have a nice day!” uttered by a New York coffee shop waitress soliciting a tip of at least 20%. We are too smart to part with the sort of cash that can easily be extracted from the overtly excessive tippers that are the Americans. They see generous tipping as an indication of status instead of a proper upper class accent and good breeding, mongrel nation that they are.

Anyway, Royal Caribbean has a cheek adding gratuities to one’s shipboard account. They realise that in general most passengers are too pusillanimous to insist upon their removal. However in this regard it would be foolhardy to underestimate the mettle of the British, to whom compulsory tipping is culturally an anathema. Royal Caribbean has already recognised this by increasing drinks prices to include the tip. Why doesn’t Royal Caribbean just pay all crew a proper wage and abolish tipping? Surely it can be readily afforded from the much-inflated per diem rate for UK sailings as compared to the rest of the world. Rip-off Britain once again!

Heavy discounting has forced many mainstream cruise lines to seek cost-cutting measures and I feel this has been detrimental to the quality of the food served. My lady wife and I cruised with Royal Caribbean about 15 years ago. At that time the food did seem much better and was one of the highlights of any cruise. Although perhaps our expectations have also risen in line with the improved standards of cooking now available in restaurants throughout the UK. The mass produced food in the main dining room lacks finesse, tastes bland and is consistently served lukewarm. The quality of meats served is universally poor. As for the buffet – don’t even go there!

Olympian vigour and stamina is required by waiting staff to fulfil the speedy delivery of so many orders. Section headwaiters are hard taskmasters and when it comes to discipline, they run a tight ship. They do not hesitate to rebuke waiters in full view of passengers. In their favour, at least they subject them to a daily “sniff test” to check for B.O. unlike P&O where this problem is rife. Waiting staff who fail to get good feedback in the passenger survey are put on a charge and sentenced to a month in the Windjammer. There is no remission for good behaviour.

The specialty (sic) restaurants did not fare much better. In fact the food in P&O alternative restaurants is undeniably superior. The quality of steak in Chops Grille was not up to scratch. This is unacceptable when an additional charge is levied and is inexcusable. Portofino likewise cannot be regarded as the apotheosis of fine dining. The veal served appears to be that ethically sourced variety. Veal from calves reared in crates is far superior as the lack of exercise reduces muscle growth and consequent toughness. Poor show. In all respects Portofino was a major disappointment but then Italian food is widely recognised as part of the triumvirate of the world’s worst cuisines, along with French and Spanish.

So it certainly appears that the whole onboard dining experience has been dumbed down over the years, probably in keeping with the new type of passenger now cruising on such mass-market mega-ships. Most of them could at best be described as lower middle class. A significant number of chavs are also now attracted to such vessels and drag along their offspring whose manners betray their lack of upbringing or a proper public school education. Sir Keith Joseph was quite correct. Indeed this country has gone down the tubes since we turned our backs on both him and the greatest British woman who ever lived.

My lady wife and I remember the time when cruising was for those and such as those. The lower middle class were also welcomed so long as they occupied only the inferior Tourist Class portion of the ship. Even the educated working class were tolerated if they remembered their place and tried to fit in. Passengers had good manners and accepted the importance of dressing appropriately. They regarded cruising as something special and everyone tried to keep it that way.

Mass-market ships now attract a new clientele, whose needs were previously met by such places as Blackpool for Northerners or Clacton-on-Sea for similar types from the South East. Then in the 70s and 80s Benidorm and Majorca took aver. Their attraction was cheap-as-chips holidays in the sun, but without the need to really experience anything authentically foreign. The availability of “proper grub” like a full English, pie and mash, burger and chips and cheap lager was essential. Obstreperous, inconsiderate and uncouth behaviour was commonplace and dressing for dinner meant putting on shorts, a T-shirt and flip-flops.

Word has now spread that cruising is good value with entertainment and food included in the fare. Indeed many of these types find the food to their liking, presumably because their normal diet comprises microwaved TV dinners and takeaways. Let’s be honest they just don’t know any better, bless them. Dressing up is no longer essential, so that deterrent has been removed. Several destinations can be visited during one holiday and with the ship acting like a home from home, they don’t really need to feel as if they have left the UK. Some of these former package holiday type passengers have no desire to conform and don’t give a tuppeny damn about accepted cruising etiquette. They are the embodiment of broken Britain - the product of declining standards of acceptable behaviour, education failure and the collapse of morals within modern British society.

One particular fellow stood out as more ghastly than the average. Both his earlobe piercing had been stretched to resemble those of Borneo's Dayak tribe. He had also ensured that his tattoos extended well above the collar line. This together with enough bling to put the “Inch of Gold Sale” to shame, gave him the necessary credentials not be regarded as a mere halfwit but rather his rightful title of full-blown cretin. Presumably his “look” gives him some sort of credibility amongst the trashy low-life with whom he associates back home in Essex. A further advantage was he had effectively made himself unemployable. No employer in his right mind would take him on and hence he had confined himself to a lifetime of state handouts, in the sure and certain knowledge that any job interview he was compelled to attend would result in rejection. One can only assume some extra income from low-level crime, such as “duty free smokes", “dodgy DVDs” or “white van man knock-off” topped up his benefits to bring cruising well within his budget.

Another typical example of this new breed of passenger was aptly illustrated one day whilst attempting to relax by the pools. Of course I am not the sort of gentleman who would intentionally earwig, but my lady wife and I could not avoid overhearing a conversation between two Arsenal-tattooed thickos. Ironically they were dressed in football tops and “joggy bottoms”, alluding to an athletic disposition. Judging by the size of their beer guts, the amount of lager being imbibed (and other considerations), the only exercise this pair gets is to their right arms. They were debating what constituted the best inventions of all time. I did expect the usual inclusions of the wheel, the computer and the internet but none of those was mentioned. Instead the top three were Sky Sports, Domino's Pizza home delivery and the La-Z-Boy armchair with built in lager refrigerator.

It is sad that no attempt has been made to offer on board activities that appeal to the country set. Labour did it’s best to destroy the country way of life at home in the UK. The joy of witnessing the evisceration of foxes by hounds has been greatly curtailed and now has to be done more clandestinely. We also love our regular “shoots” on our estate. On a good day over a gross of pheasants can be bagged. Now whilst I appreciate the constraints imposed by being at sea, no attempt whatsoever has been made to cater to firearms enthusiasts. Not even clay pigeon shooting, which I so enjoyed on the Andes and in the earlier days of QE2.

Crispin and Jasper commented on the sheer number of women adorned with “slag tags”. They did however enjoy both the FlowRider and the Rock-Climbing Wall. However they love to play polo and felt that Royal Caribbean had missed a great opportunity. The ice skating rink could easily have been adapted to a dual function role, albeit Shetland ponies would need to be substituted due to space limitations. Clarissa found it difficult to mix with others of her own age as they were too common and lacked any shared interests. The absence of equestrian facilities meant her favourite pastime of dressage could not be enjoyed. She would also have liked to keep up her harpsichord practice but once again Royal Caribbean was found lacking.

To summarise: In the interest of balance, I will say that the ice show was excellent. The negatives: the ship is too big and too American; too many passengers; too much crowding and queuing; too many uncivilised and under-educated working class types; food was lukewarm and has been dumbed down to match the new type of cruise passenger; drinks are far too expensive; shuttle bus charges are outrageous; there is a lack of any activities for country folk. Neither the twins nor Clarissa have expressed any desire to repeat the cruise experience. My lady wife and I shall certainly now give Royal Caribbean a wide berth as we go back upmarket for our next cruise. We shall leave Independence of the Seas to the irredeemably undiscerning who can’t get enough of that sort of thing. Mass-market mega-ship mediocrity does not float our boat.

[yourdj]

:lol:

I think he is real. He has a lot of respect on this cruise forum. There are people in the world like him...aren't there?

Thought you would Peter. ;)

Who has mustache nets these days and would expect the ship to stock one.
He is having a laugh. :p

[Shaun]

He is having a laugh. :p

I thought that was obvious. His name (Major Pratt) should have been an indcation that his whole reply was 'tongue in cheek'. ;)

[funkymook]

Found it very average - he's not as clever or as amusing as he thinks he is!