Do You / Would You Ever Back Down Just To Keep The Peace?

[Shakermaker Promotions]

Hi all,

Thought I'd start a separate topic following on from something that I included in my review of last night's booking in Good Gig / Bad Gig.

I won't go over it all again but in short, I had someone that was very insistent about hearing a particular song. I had been told in advance by the Bride & Groom that they didn't want to hear that particular song and they knew it would be requested.
As far as I was concerned, it was THEIR day and they were my customer, NOT the guest requesting the song.

In my meetings beforehand I always ask if there are any songs that the customers do NOT want to hear during the evening. You can usually suss out and use common sense about most stuff. For example : Unless it is something totally away from the 'norm, you aren't going to be playing hardcore hip hop or thrash metal at a 60th birthday are you!!?
I'm talking about tracks that for some reason may upset someone or just tracks that the customer doesn't want to hear. Usually, if they have to think about it, there isn't a problem. Sometimes they will instantly say straight away about certain tracks not being played because it might be that a family member or friend isn't around anymore.
Sometimes though it may simply be because they just don't want to hear (for example) Abba - Dancing Queen at their function, whatever it may be.

9 times out of 10, in my experience and with my customers in the past, they have all been pretty laid back and go with the flow. They may say stuff like "We'd rather not hear it but if someone asks then no problem" or "Don't go out of your way to play it unless it is requested".
I ALWAYS stick to what the customer says so on the rare occasion that they are adamant that they don't want to hear a particular song, I will always adhere to their request and not play it and it doesn't matter how insistent or how much of a pain in the backside someone is. To me, it is JUST MUSIC and I honestly do not and can't understand how not playing a certain song is going to spoil somebody's night. Is not hearing a 3 - 4 minute track really the end of the world?

I can kind of see the other side too though - Is it really so bad to have something played on your special day that you really don't want?
Again, for example - Abba - Dancing Queen. A few years ago I had a couple that were very adamant that they didn't want to hear that on their big day. I stuck to their wishes and at some point during the night a lady came up and questioned me as to why I hadn't played it as yet as if it was the 'norm and had to be played at every single function ever..... I told her on that night that the bride and groom didn't want to hear it and she moaned and told me that there was a large group of ladies that wanted to get up and dance to it. There was nothing I could do. I stuck to what I had been told and didn't intend playing it but one of those ladies approached the bride and asked her if it would be ok for me to play it. She said it was ok. I was annoyed that someone would do that but then again it got them all up when it eventually got played.

So, the bride and groom gave in and the guest got what THEY wanted. Did it annoy the bride and groom? I don't know? They originally didn't want to hear it for a reason. That reason being, they detested the song but to keep the peace and make sure that their guests had a good time, they gave in.

Last night was a bit different. The groom (especially) was very, very insistent that he didn't want to hear a particular song. I think the bride would have backed down but there was no way he was going to. I'd say there was friction between the groom and the guest in question (the brides step sister).

If I had gone against the bride and groom's wishes it would have been something that would have stood out on their wedding day. I have no doubts at all that it would have resulted in negative feedback afterwards and not the positive feedback I got on the night. It would have been remembered for the wrong reasons in my opinion.

So, how would you / do you deal with being in the same position?
Do you adhere to what the customer requests or do you / would you take it upon yourself to try and keep EVERYBODY happy?
I have said it many times, it is JUST MUSIC at the end of the day.
Even though that one guest from last night was (in my opinion) totally out of order with their reaction to not having their request played, I would rather have that than the customer being upset and annoyed with me. After all, they're the ones paying and it was their big day.

Over to you guys....

[Shakermaker Promotions]

(I'm unable to edit the post so I'd just like to add)...

Obviously we TRY to keep everybody happy but it is not always possible.
What I meant was, do you take it upon yourself to just play their request so it stops giving you hassle or do you just bite the bullet and respect the customers wishes and not play it knowing that at least one person at the function is not going to be happy with you (even though it is not your fault).

Also, another thing I always say is that ideally at a wedding for example, brides and grooms should take their guests into account too. Yes, it is THEIR big day but weddings aren't cheap at all and shouldn't THEY want to try and keep their guests happy too?

At the end of the day, you're never going to keep everybody happy are you. With reference to my example from last night - I think deep down the groom knew exactly what he was doing, the effect it would create and the problem that would come from it but hey, like I said..... he was the one paying.

[rth_discos]

I always respect the bride and groom's wishes.

They are the ones who I am working for - and I will do everything I can to keep them happy.

Here's a twist on the scenario... what if it was the Bride's father who was requesting the song (in the same circumstances as above), but he was the one who had booked and paid for you (as is sometimes the case).

So you're performing for the bride and groom - but actually it's the "troublesome customer" who is the one that is paying for you.

That does make it a bit more tricky (especially if it's through NeedADisco and it's the Bride's father who gets to leave the feedback...)!

[Shakermaker Promotions]

In that scenario, I personally would attempt to try and convince him that it is the bride and grooms big day and it is at their request that the song he may have requested isn't something they want to hear.
I say 'attempt' ok. I am not saying it would work and on the night, who knows?

Like yourself though, the bride and groom are my priority and I will do everything I can too, to keep them happy.
Tough one though!

[Nakatomi]

I'd always side with the people paying. They're paying, so they win every time. I had an issue last night with people requesting genres & artists which the bride & groom (well I thought the bride was involved since all the emails were addressed from both of them) had banned. In all but one case the guest went away disappointed but they left it at a harumph.

We work in a customer service industry. Contrary to what a lot of DJs think we're there doing the bidding of whoever is paying us. Yes we all know it's better if the customer knows it's best to try to give as many people as good a time as possible but things don't always fall that way.

N.B. : This whole thing involves tact & some guests require a little 'management'. But then, the kind of people who can be let's say 'difficult' can crop up at any gig.

[musicology]

If the payer has given a clear instruction then that's what I adhere to. All you can do is deal with it as diplomatically as possible and refer them to the payer. If it gets silly I refuse to discuss it any further with them. It gets like a primary school sometimes!

[Shakermaker Promotions]

Yes....BUT, having worked in customer services (face to face) for a long time (not that it makes any difference because it is common knowledge), you can't always please everybody all of the time. We all know that as I have said.

A long time ago I had a scenario where I was working as a full time DJ for a friends business. The booking was a 21st birthday party in a posh hotel for a guys daughter. He'd gone all out for his "little girl". As I've said before, I went round to their house and chatted to them both about the music etc and it was clear as to the type of music the girl wanted. On the night it was absolutely brilliant. Not much family there, lots of girls and all up dancing all night..... well, that was until the rather drunk Dad came over and started pestering me for "some classics".

It was clear to see that his "classics" (which weren't that bad actually to be fair), would clear the dance floor and to be honest, I may have put more than one on just to keep HIM happy as he was the one paying but he liked to remind me of that fact and used the classic line "I am paying your wages".
I reluctantly (and very peeved off) played one of his choices and it had the effect I expected.... It cleared the dance floor and I then had a whole bunch of (very nice) girls hassling me to "change the music" as soon as possible. He then moaned that I had cleared the dance floor!!

That was just one of those nights but to me, it isn't always about who is paying. Yes, most of the time it is and I don't want to contradict myself but....well, you know.

[yourdj]

those ladies approached the bride and asked her if it would be ok for me to play it. She said it was ok. I was annoyed that someone would do that but then again it got them all up when it eventually got played.

If someone is insistent I always divert them to the bride (hardly ever the groom) and often also go and chat with her to see if its acceptable. Often i will say in a joking manner if you can get her to give me the go ahead then thats fine. I had a list of cheese tracks last week. My roadie asked the groom who said "yes whatever" I then said to him, I don't think so. I took it too the bride and she said "definitely not" LOL. I was very apologetic and nice to the girl and managed to play a couple of tracks in the end that were not too bad. S club i think.

Not sure why you would get annoyed tbh. Sometime I think it just requires getting in a drunk persons mind set and taking it easy. Its not the end of the world if you have to play out of your set regime, or someone requests a track that won't work, sometimes you just can't ignore it or pretend the guests did not ask for it ;) . If they are rude for no reason (i.e. you have been abasive to them) then thats not on and I would put my foot down a bit more.

I had a groom last night come up and say "Toby can you please stick to our list", to which i said "yes no problem". I had sod all people on the floor all night and was really quite struggling. I tried my best and then went out (they were also not dancing all night) and said, "its really tricky sticking to the list as its so varied, if the floor was full it would be oK but if YOU want me to get people dancing I will have to add a few tracks myself, its up to you?" They both then agreed, did not make much difference though LOL.

Annoyingly though i had a pro wedding DJ and his wedding coordinator girlfriend there. I did a brilliant job in the day with the announcements/management, but the evening was pants!! He did not come up all night to look at my kit/chat?? I would have been stood with a DJ for a good 20 mins chatting if I was a guest at a wedding, even if they were not very good (which of course I am LOL). :o


It cleared the dance floor and I then had a whole bunch of (very nice) girls hassling me to "change the music" as soon as possible. He then moaned that I had cleared the dance floor!!.

You will never win, just part of the job. Naming and shaming (reading out requests) works wonders though. Ska fans at Christmas parties are my bugbear. I know you love ska and it can work very well, but not in the middle of a girly set LOL. The problem is music is very subjective and we forget how little the general public know about music, its forms, structures, history etc. This is obviously a good thing as we would not have a job otherwise, so in that respect its not too bad. :)

[Nakatomi]

Yes....BUT, having worked in customer services (face to face) for a long time (not that it makes any difference because it is common knowledge), you can't always please everybody all of the time. We all know that as I have said.

A long time ago I had a scenario where I was working as a full time DJ for a friends business. The booking was a 21st birthday party in a posh hotel for a guys daughter. He'd gone all out for his "little girl". As I've said before, I went round to their house and chatted to them both about the music etc and it was clear as to the type of music the girl wanted. On the night it was absolutely brilliant. Not much family there, lots of girls and all up dancing all night..... well, that was until the rather drunk Dad came over and started pestering me for "some classics".

It was clear to see that his "classics" (which weren't that bad actually to be fair), would clear the dance floor and to be honest, I may have put more than one on just to keep HIM happy as he was the one paying but he liked to remind me of that fact and used the classic line "I am paying your wages".
I reluctantly (and very peeved off) played one of his choices and it had the effect I expected.... It cleared the dance floor and I then had a whole bunch of (very nice) girls hassling me to "change the music" as soon as possible. He then moaned that I had cleared the dance floor!!

That was just one of those nights but to me, it isn't always about who is paying. Yes, most of the time it is and I don't want to contradict myself but....well, you know.

Ahem. Yes. Quite. I'd forgot about that kind of case completely. Only had one of them in the last 18 months though, thankfully.

Even so, this is just proof that the person paying isn't always right. A very wise person who I admire & respect a lot once said "the customer is not always right but they always remain the customer". The first ever mobile disco I saw was at my cousin's 16th birthday party. He'd been in an amateur production of 'Grease' and his mother insisted upon the DJ playing both sides of the OST album TWICE, much to the delight of about 6 people.. out of about 80. It was a pretty miserable evening. I HATE Grease :rofl:

[Shakermaker Promotions]

If someone is insistent I always divert them to the bride (hardly ever the groom) and often also go and chat with her to see if its acceptable.

Sorry Toby but I think that is the wrong thing to do. Each to their own though but personally I don't think the bride and groom should be bothered with stuff like that.
If they have told me that they don't want to hear something then I won't play it. I will never direct the person to the bride and groom. They have said they don't want to hear it for a reason and that's what I go by. As I said, that's IF they are adamant that they don't want to hear it.
I'll use my own judgement if the bride and groom are more relaxed about it (as I said, if they have said they don't want to hear it BUT if someone requests it then fair enough. If that's the case then they don't need to go bothering the bride and groom.

I have seen people go over to the bride before and it puts them in a difficult position. They are hassled by their guests and dare I say it.....'bullied' into giving in and I don't like that. That's showing a lack of respect in my opinion....


Not sure why you would get annoyed tbh. Sometime I think it just requires getting in a drunk persons mind set and taking it easy. Its not the end of the world if you have to play out of your set regime, or someone requests a track that won't work, sometimes you just can't ignore it or pretend the guests did not ask for it ;) . If they are rude for no reason (i.e. you have been abasive to them) then thats not on and I would put my foot down a bit more.


I got annoyed (it's not a regular occurrence!) because as I said above, it showed a lack of respect. The lady didn't take my word for it and sauntered over to the bride and (again, as above), put her in a difficult position in which she ended up agreeing for something to be played which she didn't want to hear.

You will never win, just part of the job. Naming and shaming (reading out requests) works wonders though. Ska fans at Christmas parties are my bugbear. I know you love ska and it can work very well, but not in the middle of a girly set LOL. The problem is music is very subjective and we forget how little the general public know about music, its forms, structures, history etc. This is obviously a good thing as we would not have a job otherwise, so in that respect its not too bad. :)

As I said, I am not that naive to think that I can win everybody over and put a smile on everybody's face but I can try just like we all do.
My issue is with people that simply don't respect the bride and groom or birthday persons wishes. If they don't want to hear something they don't for a reason.
If someone comes up and asks for something and the DJ says "I'm sorry but that's on my do NOT play list" (or words to that effect), then why can't they just accept that and leave it rather than hassling both the DJ and the bride and groom / birthday person.

Personally, I don't like to think that there is a smidgen of negativity at any of my bookings but that is not reality. Someone will not like what you do whether it's the music, lighting or volume or whatever. If I went up to a DJ at a function and asked for a track and the DJ told me that they couldn't play it I would just take it on the chin and NOT get in a hissy fit like some kind of an idiot.


:rolleyes::rolleyes:

[Jim - Scotland's Party DJ]

The person I'm emloyed by for the evening always takes precedence.

My song lst for a wedding has:
Formal dances
Last song / last few
Must play
Would like to hear
Must not play
Play only if requested
Emotional songs (ie those with the potential to upset guests if their grannies song gets played and so on)

If its on the emotional or do not play list I'm not touching it unless the bride and groom tell me otherwise.

[Excalibur]

Don't forget that some tracks may have significance that we don't know about. Many years ago when Angels had to be played at every function, I was warned beforehand to avoid it, as it had been played at the funeral of the couple's child, a victim of cot death.
Also, tracks may have sad links with other family members, we don't know this.

It's a fine line we have to tread.

Edit:
Gary, I don't think I really answered the main point of your post. A banned list is a banned list. Simples. I don't create it, I just work with it. In your case, the question is would it have caused less upset to play it and be damned, or do as you did? I have no idea. :confused: No matter who is paying for the gig, the wishes of the guest(s) of honour are usually paramount.

[ukpartydj]

It does become a little more interesting when you paid by one and performing for another so to speak.

A little like when a venue pays you but the person of whom the event is for makes requests which contradict the venues wishes (mostly one more song).

I would have done what Gary did. I have on occasion referred to the bride but not often and only when I've not spoken much to them / at all beforehand.

[CRAZY K]

Hi all,

Thought I'd start a separate topic following on from something that I included in my review of last night's booking in Good Gig / Bad Gig.

I won't go over it all again but in short, I had someone that was very insistent about hearing a particular song. I had been told in advance by the Bride & Groom that they didn't want to hear that particular song and they knew it would be requested.
As far as I was concerned, it was THEIR day and they were my customer, NOT the guest requesting the song.

In my meetings beforehand I always ask if there are any songs that the customers do NOT want to hear during the evening. You can usually suss out and use common sense about most stuff. For example : Unless it is something totally away from the 'norm, you aren't going to be playing hardcore hip hop or thrash metal at a 60th birthday are you!!?
I'm talking about tracks that for some reason may upset someone or just tracks that the customer doesn't want to hear. Usually, if they have to think about it, there isn't a problem. Sometimes they will instantly say straight away about certain tracks not being played because it might be that a family member or friend isn't around anymore.
Sometimes though it may simply be because they just don't want to hear (for example) Abba - Dancing Queen at their function, whatever it may be.

9 times out of 10, in my experience and with my customers in the past, they have all been pretty laid back and go with the flow. They may say stuff like "We'd rather not hear it but if someone asks then no problem" or "Don't go out of your way to play it unless it is requested".
I ALWAYS stick to what the customer says so on the rare occasion that they are adamant that they don't want to hear a particular song, I will always adhere to their request and not play it and it doesn't matter how insistent or how much of a pain in the backside someone is. To me, it is JUST MUSIC and I honestly do not and can't understand how not playing a certain song is going to spoil somebody's night. Is not hearing a 3 - 4 minute track really the end of the world?

I can kind of see the other side too though - Is it really so bad to have something played on your special day that you really don't want?
Again, for example - Abba - Dancing Queen. A few years ago I had a couple that were very adamant that they didn't want to hear that on their big day. I stuck to their wishes and at some point during the night a lady came up and questioned me as to why I hadn't played it as yet as if it was the 'norm and had to be played at every single function ever..... I told her on that night that the bride and groom didn't want to hear it and she moaned and told me that there was a large group of ladies that wanted to get up and dance to it. There was nothing I could do. I stuck to what I had been told and didn't intend playing it but one of those ladies approached the bride and asked her if it would be ok for me to play it. She said it was ok. I was annoyed that someone would do that but then again it got them all up when it eventually got played.

So, the bride and groom gave in and the guest got what THEY wanted. Did it annoy the bride and groom? I don't know? They originally didn't want to hear it for a reason. That reason being, they detested the song but to keep the peace and make sure that their guests had a good time, they gave in.

Last night was a bit different. The groom (especially) was very, very insistent that he didn't want to hear a particular song. I think the bride would have backed down but there was no way he was going to. I'd say there was friction between the groom and the guest in question (the brides step sister).

If I had gone against the bride and groom's wishes it would have been something that would have stood out on their wedding day. I have no doubts at all that it would have resulted in negative feedback afterwards and not the positive feedback I got on the night. It would have been remembered for the wrong reasons in my opinion.

So, how would you / do you deal with being in the same position?
Do you adhere to what the customer requests or do you / would you take it upon yourself to try and keep EVERYBODY happy?
I have said it many times, it is JUST MUSIC at the end of the day.
Even though that one guest from last night was (in my opinion) totally out of order with their reaction to not having their request played, I would rather have that than the customer being upset and annoyed with me. After all, they're the ones paying and it was their big day.

Over to you guys....

Can't see a problem here.

Weddings are toxic-- get it wrong and you are public enemy no 1.

You do what the payer says and politely explain to everyone else it's THEIR DAY AND THEIR MUSIC.

As someone said, you could refer them to B and G OR as I have done shove a playlist under their nose and say CHOOSE ONE OF THESE.

See here it says DONT PLAY XXXXXXX

No other business would put up with this.

You might even get asked for a refund because technically you might be in breach of Contract when you have been instructed IN WRITING to NOT do something.

[DeckstarDeluxe]

The great thing about requests is you can play dumb. "I don't think I've got that with me", "I thought I had it and turns out I don't" etc.... and I can't plug into my PA using an iphone before you ask.

I would have no issue with saying however that I will not play a guests request if it's something that I don't think will work or has been marked as a do not play by the client.

[Shakermaker Promotions]

Crazy K - I like your style!
When I do my 'DJ sheet' for the booking I will add all of the information that we've gone over during our meeting.
If the customer has a number of DO NOT PLAY's then I will add them obviously. I put them in bold and underlined.
The main point of putting that information on the sheet is that it acts as a back me up so that if / when someone comes over and asks for something that is on the do not play list, I can show them.

That on its own should be enough to let them know the score but as I said, I will stick to my guns.

Peter - Yes, a 'banned' list IS a 'banned' list and there should ideally be NO arguments. No if's, no but's either. It simply doesn't get played in my opinion.

Again, in my opinion and in the scenario I had on Saturday....well, on any occasion really, I would rather NOT be put in the position where I am going to get grief or hassle from someone and being called the 'C' word just because I am adhering to the customers requests is totally out of order.
Being stuck in the middle is the main thing here - Yes, I could have just said to myself "Sod it, I'll play the song and then I will get her off my back" but then I'd be going against what the customer requested. That customer was not only the one paying me but it was his big day too and going against his wishes just so I could get an easier life would have put a negative on his day and I didn't want that at all.

Look, if there's a big sign up saying "Do Not Go Into The Water" because it is shark infested and you're likely to lose an arm or leg - You simply don't do it do you.
Ignore the advice and you'll get grief!

It's exactly the same. Do Not Play a particular track because it is going to upset someone for whatever reason.
Ignore the advice and that's exactly what you'll do.
People have their own reasons for not wanting to hear something.

[rth_discos]

I would rather NOT be put in the position where I am going to get grief or hassle from someone and being called the 'C' word just because I am adhering to the customers requests is totally out of order.
Being stuck in the middle is the main thing here -

In this situation I just remind myself that it's the unreasonable guest who is out of order, and that in a few hours time I am unlikely to ever see them again. I then put myself in the shoes of that guest's family who have to deal with that person all of the time! And in perspective, a few hours seems easy!

Yes, it's never nice being called the 'C' word when you are doing your job - and many businesses make it clear they won't accept such behaviour (most shops have signs saying this), but it's difficult as you don't want to cause a scene at someone's wedding and only be remembered for that. So it's a case of trying your best to ignore it and concentrating on the other 99% of the guests who are having a great time - and ensuring they have a fantastic evening.

Sadly, it's the minority who can take all of your attention and distract you from doing what you're supposed to be doing.

[Excalibur]

Yes, it's never nice being called the 'C' word when you are doing your job - and many businesses make it clear they won't accept such behaviour (most shops have signs saying this), but it's difficult as you don't want to cause a scene at someone's wedding and only be remembered for that.

I had something along those lines at a gig where apparently the music had to be off at twelve, although I was booked till one. Then I was told that I could continue at a vastly reduced volume ( which in itself would have been impossible to comply with, since I'd had the dials round at eleven all night ) if I wished. After what one " young lady " called me, it all went off. :mad:

Cantankerous Old Git mode engaged, with added rose tinted spectacles> It seems to me that nowadays, folk are quite inclined to put their wishes above those of the guest of honour< disengaged.

Gary, it's not nice to be put in that position, and to be honest, you're on a loser whichever route you take. :(

[Shakermaker Promotions]

Gary, it's not nice to be put in that position, and to be honest, you're on a loser whichever route you take. :(

Totally agree mate. It's very frustrating to put it politely.
To be honest - 9 times out of 10, if someone were to start verbally abusing me....no matter where it was or how big they were, I wouldn't take kindly too it (as I am sure none of us would).
The annoying and frustrating thing is that we're there to provide a service and our main thought is to keep the customer happy so saying anything about it or making some kind of scene about it is a no no to me. I'd of said something afterwards whilst packing the equipment away but the person had left during the last hour.

Abusive behaviour is mentioned in my Terms & Conditions and to be fair, I always get the name of the Best Man so that should anything like this happen, I have them to go to rather than involving the bride or groom. That didn't happen on Saturday because I wasn't informed beforehand or on the day who the Best Man was which was strange.

I also think that on this occasion the groom and the guest in question (his sister in law) had some kind of problem with each other and I think he was on the wind up which instantly put me in the difficult position. However, what it has done now though is make me more adamant about sticking to my guns in the future, no matter what.

[CRAZY K]

In this situation I just remind myself that it's the unreasonable guest who is out of order, and that in a few hours time I am unlikely to ever see them again. I then put myself in the shoes of that guest's family who have to deal with that person all of the time! And in perspective, a few hours seems easy!

Yes, it's never nice being called the 'C' word when you are doing your job - and many businesses make it clear they won't accept such behaviour (most shops have signs saying this), but it's difficult as you don't want to cause a scene at someone's wedding and only be remembered for that. So it's a case of trying your best to ignore it and concentrating on the other 99% of the guests who are having a great time - and ensuring they have a fantastic evening.

Sadly, it's the minority who can take all of your attention and distract you from doing what you're supposed to be doing.

Not that I do much on Weddings now but I think it's best to play the Big Innocent. ie nothing I can do, bride chose THESE songs and THESE not to be played.

Blame someone else, seems to work.:D

[Shakermaker Promotions]

Again, I like your style!

[DJ Jules]

I played Hey Jude last night and thought of you :D

Luckily the only thing on my "Do not play" list was Snow Patrol and I had a sum total of 2 requests all night (one of those was for Happy Birthday).

Julian