Quick joke..If you have a spare hour..(Dave, Tony & Alan are dead meat!)

[Penfold42]

Irish Boy's Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, D i c k y?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, D i c k y, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may
as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Brown?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Margaret Doyle?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Anne O' Neil?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped D i c k y, and I
admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself."
D i c k y walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"

Four months holiday and five good leads!"
:Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh:

[rob1963]

:lol:

[Corabar Steve]

Reminds me of the one that ends....

It's dark in here

& the priest says...
Oh no, not you again!

[PropellerHeadCase]

There was a young parson names Bings
Who talked about God and such things
But his one true desire
Was a boy in the choir
Whose bum was like jelly on springs

[Tom]

haha. love them both. :lol:

[Penfold42]

There was a young parson names Bings
Who talked about God and such things
But his one true desire
Was a boy in the choir
Whose bum was like jelly on springs

Very, very, funny.........:D :D

[Corabar Steve]

I don't think it scans particularly well.

[Penfold42]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[rob1963]

:lol:

[Corabar Steve]

http://planetsmilies.net/vicious-smiley-1862.gif (http://planetsmilies.net)http://planetsmilies.net/vicious-smiley-1862.gif (http://planetsmilies.net)http://planetsmilies.net/vicious-smiley-1862.gif (http://planetsmilies.net)http://planetsmilies.net/vicious-smiley-1862.gif (http://planetsmilies.net)

[Penfold42]

And another......clean this up the best i could.....:)


A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what
you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that
not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 53-year-old a r s e?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

:D :D :D :D

[rob1963]

:lol:

[Marc J]

I was stuck behind a magic tractor the other day.

How did I know it was a magic tractor? It turned into a field :D

[Penfold42]

I was stuck behind a magic tractor the other day.

How did I know it was a magic tractor? It turned into a field :D

After a job with Rob.......:rolleyes: :D

[Marc J]

Drill Sergeant: I didn't see you at camouflage training yesterday, recruit!

Recruit: Thank-you very much, Sir!

[Dragonfly]

harry potter films are so far fetched .....I mean I can buy the fact that magic dragons and unicorns exist ......but ......... have you ever really seen a ginger kid with 2 mates????

[Penfold42]

Beer Vs Make up

[Dragonfly]

A woman goes to a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for 2 arsnic tablets

"why" the man replies

"im going to kill my cheating prat of a husband" the woman replies

"im very sorry madam but I cant sell you them to kill your husband with , even if he is cheating"

so the woman reaches into her hanbag an pulls out a photo on it is the womans husband in bed with the pharmasists wife

He hands over the tablets and says " im very sorry madam i didnt realise you had a presciption"

[Dragonfly]

if quizzes are quizzacle ........ what are tests?????

[jamesh]

harry potter films are so far fetched .....I mean I can buy the fact that magic dragons and unicorns exist ......but ......... have you ever really seen a ginger kid with 2 mates????

:boxer: :( :confused:

[Penfold42]

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

:sofa:

[rob1963]

:lol:

[Penfold42]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Alberta.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the new boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope,' she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'

To which Margaret replies... 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat.'

[Jiggles]

Ooh Err!!!

[PropellerHeadCase]

I don't think it scans particularly well.

You're not reading it right.


There was a young man from Japan
Whose limericks never did scan
When asked why this was
He said, "It's because...
I really like to try and put as many words into the last line as I absolutely possibly can!" :p

[flatliners]

hope these arnt to rude sorry if they are*

a woman visits the doctors and says dotcor can you make my boobs bigger
the doctor replies take this mirror home and stand in front of it and say mirror mirror on the wall make my boobs grow some more
she dose this and her boobs grow bigger
her huspand who is watching says give me a go
mirror mirror on the wall make my willie touch the floor and his legs drop off

*This one was* :sj:

a bus dirver is taking a bus load of blind people on an outing then one of them tapps him on the shoulder and says we want to play football
the driver says how you gonna play football you are blind
the person the replies we got a ball and it has bells inside it abd when we kickit we can hear the bells
ok says the driver we will pull in at the nearest place
they pull into a small village and there is a fate on and he says right you can play football i am off to the pub
half an hour later a policeman walks anto the pub and asks who is looking after the blind people
me replies the bus driver why you asking
because they have jusk kicked 7 bells out of the morris dancers

[Penfold42]

One for the ladies.......
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale...

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy,
"Will you marry me?"
The guy said, "No."

The girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny, and was never trumped on.

~The End~


:D :D :D

[Penfold42]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool
and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays
sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.

Edna replied, He didn't hang himself - I put him there to dry. How
soon can I go home?

[Penfold42]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE tall guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, Turner Brown." The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, and my nameis Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around' ".

[Penfold42]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
What a day!! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you dummy!"

'The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[Penfold42]

An ape enters in a pub and ask the waitress :
- Do you have bananas?
- No we haven't.
- Do you have bananas?
- No we haven't.
- Do you have bananas?
- No I said, are you deaf?! If you ask me once more, I'll nail your tongue on the counter !
- Do you have nails ?
- No.
- Do you have bananas?

[Penfold42]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. ''I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10* pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. `'What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and
another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, How moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash.
"£1,990 exactly."


"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(Wait for it...........scroll down.)






































































''I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

*groans*:lol:

[PropellerHeadCase]

*you can supply the accents in your head... it does actually make it funnier.*

A woman gets on a bus and overhears two well-dressed Pakistani men having a good-natured argument...
"No, I'm telling you, it's 'W-O-O-M'!"
"No, no, it's not, it's 'W-O-O-O-M'!"

At which point she interrupts...
"If I may? It's 'W-O-M-B'."

Both men turn to her and one says...








"Oh? So you've heard an elephant fart, too?" :D

[Penfold42]

:lol:

Try this one......

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a c@cktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn c@cktail - it's much worse). Looking around the
gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."



















(Get ready.....)






















































"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
:D

[Dragonfly]

Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony ................................................

[Vectis]

OK so I've resisted for a while but it's about time for my tramp joke.

Tramp walks into a pub.
Barman: "Oy! - you're not welcome here - get out"
Tramp: "I just wanted a toothpick and I'll be on me way"
Barman hands over toothpick, tramp leaves.

Ten minutes later another tramp walks into the pub.
Barman: "You - out!"
Tramp: "But I only wanted to trouble you for a toothpick, and then I'll go"
Barman, puzzled, hands over a toothpick and the tramp duly leaves.

Ten minutes after that, another tramp walks into the pub.
Barman: "Oh, I've had enough of this, NO you CANNOT have a toothpick now beggar off!"

Tramp: "Toothpick? Nah mate, I only came in for a straw!"
Barman: "What on earth do you need a straw for?"

Tramp:
.
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.
.
keep scrolling
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.
"well someone's been sick on the pavement outside but all the good stuff's already gone!"


:beer1:

[Dragonfly]

thats sick ....

[Vectis]

Oh sorry... thread title is "Quick" joke thread... I thought it said Sick joke thread. My mistake :D

[Penfold42]

Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony ................................................

Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave ................What!!

[Dragonfly]

i wasted a good 2 minutes of my life reading that !!!

[PropellerHeadCase]

Bit of a slow reader, then? (I typed that slowly especially for you ;) )

[Penfold42]

i wasted a good 2 minutes of my life reading that !!!


Bit of a slow reader, then? (I typed that slowly especially for you ;) )

He's stuck without the pictures.............:zip:

[Vectis]

He's stuck without the pictures.............:zip:

Here you go ... happy to oblige!

[Dragonfly]

I don' think its fair to use a picture of steve to illustrate your jokes guys come on ..... :D :D :zip: :zip: :zip:

[Penfold42]

I don' think its fair to use a picture of steve to illustrate your jokes guys come on ..... :D :D :zip: :zip: :zip:

CLASS.....:D

[Jiggles]

you better start running!!!!

[Dragonfly]

you better start running!!!!

callum there is a fundamental problem with that at the moment ........ piggy back anyone?

[Jiggles]

callum there is a fundamental problem with that at the moment ........ piggy back anyone?


Ah yes! :o :D Ok erm Golf buggy do you???:p :D

[PropellerHeadCase]

I don't think Steve looks like vomit, and I think it's unfair of you to imply it.

[Penfold42]

It looks more like a wet tea cake............
This (http://www.soimmature.com/images/mega_vomit.gif) looks better...................:D

[Vectis]

Can someone rename the thread please?

[Corabar Entertainment]

I think Steve might rename it when he gets in and sees those posts.... but I'm not sure you'll like what he renames it to!!!! :p

[Corabar Steve]

I don' think its fair to use a picture of steve to illustrate your jokes guys come on ..... :D :D :zip: :zip: :zip:

I'll have you know I've had a haircut & trimmed my beard http://planetsmilies.net/vicious-smiley-1766.gif (http://planetsmilies.net)

[Dragonfly]

fairplay now that is funny :D :D :D :D the thread name change not the fact you have had a hair cut etc ...... oh.... erm ..... ill quit while im still dead .......:D :D :D :D back to the jokes please

[Penfold42]

I'll have you know I've had a haircut & trimmed my beard http://planetsmilies.net/vicious-smiley-1766.gif (http://planetsmilies.net)

Hear say mu'lord..:eek: :D :D :D :D

[PropellerHeadCase]

Which Alan? Surely not me? :eek:

[Dragonfly]

I don't think Steve looks like vomit, and I think it's unfair of you to imply it.


i think you will be needing trainers too my friend :D :D :D

[PropellerHeadCase]

I was specifically saying he didn't look like vomit... so there :p

[Penfold42]

I was specifically saying he didn't look like vomit... so there :p

Don't you want to be in our gang.........it's easy all you have to do is talk poo.......not hard........:D

[Dragonfly]

Don't you want to be in our gang.........it's easy all you have to do is talk poo.......not hard........:D

so soft poo ?? ...
diarrhoea

[Penfold42]

I take my senapods regular..........coupled up with prunes and bran.......very soft.........:eek:

[Corabar Steve]

Drink stout that'll do it.

[Dragonfly]

I have to sleep in the shed if I have a night on the Guinness its very unpleasent for all concerned.

[Penfold42]

Newcastle Brown.......literally...........:D :eek:

[PropellerHeadCase]

Oh well, defecation occurs.

[Penfold42]

Oh well, defecation occurs.

Not on purpose......only when trying to trump!!:D :D :D :D :D

[Dragonfly]

:welcome2: :welcome2:

a family friendly place to be :D

[PropellerHeadCase]

We put the 'S' in hit, you know ;)

[Penfold42]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

[DMX Will]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

And you explain to your father that the mug in the microwave is overflowing by saying "it's overloading"....doh! :rolleyes:

[Dragonfly]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

no im laughing with myself :D :D :D

[Penfold42]

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you Receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life Completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.

Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote Repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 Friends, you have already been infected.

:D :D

[Dragonfly]

very good mr. Brown very good.

[Penfold42]

very good mr. Brown very good.

...that sounds a bit like this (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105236/)...... Mr Pink

[Dragonfly]

nice new avatar you have there mate ....

[Penfold42]

nice new avatar you have there mate ....

...and to you too.......

Which one are you then.......:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Before we get in trouble.......:rolleyes: ;)

[Dragonfly]

i am of course the short fat one ....

[Penfold42]

i am of course the short fat one ....

....ugly one!!:D :D :D :D :D

[Dragonfly]

intelligent one !

[Penfold42]

intelligent one !

....streetwise......and ugly!!:D :D :D

[Penfold42]

LOL....very funny (http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09/may-i-have-this-dance.html).........

Play the clip.....:D :D :D

[Shaun]

LOL....very funny (http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09/may-i-have-this-dance.html).........

Play the clip.....:D :D :D

LOL..very good. :D

[PropellerHeadCase]

:DTee-hee

[Penfold42]

New Lingerie

Husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for His wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.

I'll not put it on, do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund for myself".

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "My God! It wasn't that creased in the shop".

His funeral is on Thursday

[rob1963]

:Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh:

[Marc J]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck!".
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".
"Certainly," says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him;
"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus - he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
"What on earth do they want with a plasterer?"

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

LOL!

Good one Marc.

[rob1963]

:Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh:

[Penfold42]

Missed that one......:D :D :D :D

Here's another -
A blonde named Shelly decides to do something really wild, something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Shelly: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."

Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Shelly: "Head Cleaner."

[rob1963]

:Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh:

[Penfold42]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, "she replies. . . "














































"You just happened to catch my eye."
:coat: :taxi:

[rob1963]

:Laugh:

[Penfold42]

Husband and wife shopping at Tesco’s.
Husband places 10 can’s of beer for a £10 in the shopping basket, wife then say’s
'That’s exspensive' and put’s them back.
Further on the wife places a face cream in the basket for £20, husband then say’s
'That’s exspensive'
she then replies with -
'…but it makes me look beautiful’
Husband replies '
'So does my can’s of beer, but at half the cost!!'

*Clean version* :D

[Penfold42]

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for
her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this?

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

[PropellerHeadCase]

:Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh:

[Penfold42]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

Signed,

Perplexed

[DJWilson]

theres a blonde, brown and brunette haired woman. the blonde one prays to win the lotto, as well as the brown and brunette. LOTTO DAY; all three woman are watching the lotto in there own homes. none of them win, they all then pray to ask god why they didnt win, god then replys "yourll have to buy a ticket fisrt!" :lol:

[CRAZY K]

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10
best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends; eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that
he was still there.

CRAZY K

[Penfold42]

:Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh:


Both are good....:D :D :D

[Penfold42]

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

We always hear ' the rules ' From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[PropellerHeadCase]

An oldie but a goodie (Bill Oddie, I suspect).

[Penfold42]

An oldie but a goodie (Bill Oddie, I suspect).

Not a 'anorak' are you Al?.....with your binoculars.....:D

[PropellerHeadCase]

I'm a pac-a-mac, me :p

[Corabar Steve]

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and jumped into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!"

[Penfold42]

:Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh: :Laugh:

[Penfold42]

Old one but good...

Only the Americans!!!!

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the north coast of Scotland. The transcript was released by the MOD on the 10/10/95.

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South. to avoid
collision.

US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid collision

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid collision

US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.

BRITISH: Negative I say again divert your course.

US Navy : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ACCOMPANIED BYTHREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR DEADLY COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

British reply below ..........







We are a lighthouse. Now :Censored: off!

[Corabar Steve]

An oldie but goody

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

An oldie but goody

Tony or the joke? :p

[Penfold42]

Tony or the joke? :p

:eek: .....:boxer2:

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

Has your 'package' arrived yet?

[rob1963]

Has your 'package' arrived yet?

Darren,

Please don't talk about Tony's package on a family forum.

:D

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

Darren,

Please don't talk about Tony's package on a family forum.

:D

Sorry if I was getting you all excited Rob. :p

[rob1963]

:Laugh:

[Penfold42]

Has your 'package' arrived yet?

:jumping: ....just got it Daz.....I know i've said it but...many thanks...a couple of beers your way at the DJ Show North.....:)


....just one complaint......the box is .....well....you know....not very nice looking......:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D


...but it does have Denon on it........:beer1: :D

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

No worries.

[Penfold42]

Things are bad at home.
She's sick of me!
Football, Rugby, Cricket always on the telly.

Anyway, I booked at table for 2 last night for 8pm to try and patch thing up.
By 9pm things were 10 times worse!



































She hadn't even potted a single red.......

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

[rob1963]

Things are bad at home.
She's sick of me!
Football, Rugby, Cricket always on the telly.

Anyway, I booked at table for 2 last night for 8pm to try and patch thing up.
By 9pm things were 10 times worse!

She hadn't even potted a single red.......

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

:Laugh:

[Penfold42]

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached anApplication Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1 - To make an appointment to see me.
2 - To query a missing payment.
3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client,
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!)

[rob1963]

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached anApplication Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1 - To make an appointment to see me.
2 - To query a missing payment.
3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client,
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!)

Fantastic!

:Laugh:

[PropellerHeadCase]

Alternatively it is the same letter that has been doing the rounds for years and variously attributed to a 98 year old woman, a retired sergeant major and all manner of others.

[kilmeedyman]

They found our local ice cream man dead in his van covered in hundreds and thousands...



Police believe he topped himself

[PropellerHeadCase]

His colleagues are having a Whippy round?


It's a shame, too, a couple more years he could've retired with the obligatory golden milkshake.

[rob1963]

They found our local ice cream man dead in his van covered in hundreds and thousands...

Police believe he topped himself

He used to be in a band...




...he played the cornet.

[Penfold42]

He used to be in a band...
...he played the cornet.

That's very 'Flakey'.............:p

[Corabar Steve]

Apologies to any Irish members

Mick & Paddy reading head stones near a church. Mick says, feck there's a bloke here who was 152. Paddy says, what was his name? Mick says, Miles from London.

[rob1963]

Apologies to any Irish members

Mick & Paddy reading head stones near a church. Mick says, feck there's a bloke here who was 152. Paddy says, what was his name? Mick says, Miles from London.

:Laugh:

[Penfold42]

Finances and Banks


Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit major Japanese Banks.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

[PropellerHeadCase]

Oh dear :(



































Love it! :D

[Penfold42]

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arse
out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours!"

:eek: :D :D

[rob1963]

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arse out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours!"


:Laugh:

[Royalblue]

A bloke walks into a bank and asks for a loan to start a new business. The bank manager asks what for and he says 'to start a cheese factory'.
'Fair enough' says the bank manager. 'Where?'
'Leicester', the man replies.
'What will you call your cheese?' the bank manager asks
'Red Leicester!' the man replies.
The bank manager sighs and says 'No, I'm sorry bu there's already a Red Leicester. You need to go away and have a think about it and come up with something different.'
The man goes away. A couple of weeks later he returns and says; 'Right bank manager, I've got it sorted. I'm going to start my cheese factory in Gloucester.'
'What will you call your cheese?' the bank manager responds.
'Double Gloucester' comes the reply.
The bank manager shrugs his shoulder and tells the man to try again.
A couple of weeks later the man returns. 'Right bank manager, got it sorted, I'm going to start a cheese factory in Nazareth'.
The bank manager looks concerned. 'What will you call your cheese?' He asks.
The reply comes. 'Cheeses of Nazareth'.

[Penfold42]

:lol:

[Penfold42]

I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy'

Then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss
might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in
the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'

Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And
where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna love this....)


She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.
:D :D :D :D :D

[Jiggles]

What do you call a tardis with a toilet?




A turdis :D

[Corabar Steve]

From one of my birthday cards:

Mary had a little lamb
We tied it to a pylon
10,000 volts shot up it's bum
& turned it's wool to nylon

[Penfold42]

:eek: ............:lol: :D

[robbiedj]

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the decking, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me...."You lazy git! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your arse and give her a break!"

I thought ":Censored:! ... Women!"....I took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my shades, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms "Sod off and mind your own business. My wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening".

After a few days I felt really bad , so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys , after all weshould take good care of our wives ... that way maybe they will take good care of us.

I have attached a picture below. I hope it comes through OK

[DazzyD]

A couple of rhymes about global warming:


Mary Mary quite contrary
How does you garden grow?




















































"It doesn't!"


Doctor Foster went to Gloucester in a shower of acid rain
He stood in a puddle right up to his middle and



























































said "Aarghhh! Where's the skin off my legs gone?!?"

[Penfold42]

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'It eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever ‘ear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.’

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe... go back man,you was right - ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...




Ees








Ees





Ees




Ees





Ees



(You won’t believe this!)

Ees





Ees






Eees a Ham Bush.’

[PropellerHeadCase]

*Groan* Old, old, old
:coat:

[UltraBeat Entertainment]

:clap: :Laugh: :clap:

[Penfold42]

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[rob1963]

:Laugh:

[Penfold42]

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public

True email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St Marys Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.

This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.

This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking idiots are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.

One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins.

If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it.

I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.

This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
???????

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ?
Community Beat Officer

---------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear PC ?

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills?

In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent , I have never seen you.

Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself?

Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?

It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twits that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <DATE> If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?


P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!

__________________

[Penfold42]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning..'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

[Penfold42]

As I know you frequently visit restaurants and understand the need to be served quicker, this story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a large difference to an organisation.
Last week we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the waiting staff had spoons in their shirt pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired The Human Resource Consultants to re-vamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a loss of frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making the extra trip to get it right now.'
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time even in the gents. By tying this string to the tip of your 'you know what', we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the loo by 76.39 percent.
I asked. 'After you get it out, how do you get it back?'
'Well', he whispered. 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[Penfold42]

Moving on chaps.....e-mail today...I found quite funny....

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Tran substantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[Excalibur]

Inspired by Katy Perry

My roadie was chatting up a very pretty young lady, with a significant lack of success. She eventually turned to him abd said
" Look, I'm a lesbian!"
" Oh really? Which part of Lesbia? "
"No, I mean I fancy Women" ;)


My Roadie's response?












"Well I never! All that time, and I never knew I was a lesbian as well!!!! "

[Penfold42]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Penfold42]

I see Robbie Keane has just broken David Blains record hanging around in a box for 6 weeks......:quiet: :quiet: :quiet: :quiet: :quiet: :quiet:

[Penfold42]

BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge

Finda couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which
they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3 - Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1.Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bagweighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.


Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars

1. Forget the luxury sedan. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop,inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of usedchewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

1.Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you canfind to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If youintend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 - TV

1.Learn the names of every character from children ' s singing group,children ' s cartoons, children ' s characters and cartoon animals.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 - Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

1.Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. ImportantNotes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 - Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 - Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!

[Tom]

Interesting post Tony. lol. :D
Interesting post Tony. lol. :D
Interesting post Tony. lol. :D
Interesting post Tony. lol. :D
Interesting post Tony. lol. :D

[PropellerHeadCase]

I'm crying I'm laughing so hard! And am now forwarding it to my wife :D

My son is mildly autistic so multiply all repetitions by between two and five!

[One Vision]

Al Qaeda have been planting explosives in Heinz alphabites, apparently if one of they explosives were to go of it would spell disaster :bang:

[PropellerHeadCase]

Maybe Heinz should do a version of Alphabites with numbers instead of letters, then the Al-Qaeda bombs in those would be weapons of maths instruction ;)

[Penfold42]

An Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true!!!!!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly.

John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.

They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....

'Look Paddy.....there's that :Censored: idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!

:rofl:

[Penfold42]

I had 14 yogurts this morning..now I'm mullered!

[OllieJames]

I had 14 yogurts this morning..now I'm mullered!

LOL! :Laugh:

[[email protected]]

Paddy wins 9m on the lottery, Camelot say 'we are running low on funds can we give you 3m this week, 3m next week and 3m next month'. Paddy says 'if your gonna mess me about just give me my pound back'.

[djsteve10]

I phoned Pizza Base earlier, I ordered a thin & crispy supreme special,

Delivered to me was Diana Ross :D:D:D

[Penfold42]

:lol:

[[email protected]]

A charity pantomime in aid of homosexual paranoid schizophrenics descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted "He's behind you!"

[Daryll]

'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance
But it does stop your biscuit going soft.

[Daryll]

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and
an Irishman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow
group of golfers in front of them.

The Irishman fumed, 'What's with those guys?
We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'


The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such
poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's
have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a
special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact
my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he
can do for them.'


The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the
fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Irishman said, 'Why the fupp can't they play at
night?'

[JDB Entertainment]

im not being funny but the title says a quick joke its took me over an hour to read this thread! It certainly wasn't QUICK!

[Penfold42]

Sorted....:sj:

[JDB Entertainment]

Sorted....:sj:

cheeky bugger!

i have loads of jokes but i take it they carnt be rude?!

[Penfold42]

cheeky bugger!

i have loads of jokes but i take it they carnt be rude?!

Family forum.....if you please. :)

[Penfold42]

That also includes bad taste jokes.......don't find those funny at all.

[Tom]

A bloke and giraffe went to the pub for a quiet drink.

All was going well but the giraffe has a bit too much to drink and fell from the seat and laid on the floor.

The bloke finishes his pint, stands up, and begins to leave when the bar man shouts at him,

"Oi, you can't leave that lying about"

The bloke then says "excuse but I think you find that's giraffe, not a lion".

[Penfold42]

:eek: :eek: :eek:

[Mark Wild]

Lmao !

[Excalibur]

Penmare is driving sedately home late one summer evening, cheesed off with life, after a hard day at the office. All he has to look forward to is a stint approving daft posts on here, and one can of Tesco value lager in the fridge. :( His mood changes upon receiving a text from Mrs Penmare. " Kids at mums, a bottle of Rioja opened, Steak and chips for tea, and "Dessert" to follow" ;) ;) :D :D

Up comes the nose of the trusty Vectra, as our hero gives it maximum loud pedal. Round the A46 bypass he hurtles, a grin like a Cheshire Cat on his face, as he imagines the delights awaiting him on his arrival home. Prodigy blasting out on the stereo, he's a happy little bunny, until: :eek: :eek: :eek:
two Lincolnshire lads apparently oblivious to Tony's imminent high speed arrival, pull out in front of him with a tractor and trailer filled with turnips! :eek: :eek: :( :( With the lightning fast reflexes of a man accustomed to changing tracks on a Denon at a moments notice he weighs up the situation. Even with ABS, and four power assisted discs, there isn't a snowball in Hades of stopping. :eek: :(

Suddenly, he sees a way. Wrenching the wheel left, he flies through a gap in the hedge, on full opposite lock, like a Swedish Rally Driver. With the windscreen wipers on full to clear the deluge of Root Vegetables threatening to obscure his vision, he saws on the steering. like a violinist on amphetamines, finally gaining some form of control, and exiting the field through an even smaller gap in the hedge.

As he weaves his muddy and relieved way down the road, the tractor driver turns, and calmly says:















" You know George, we were very lucky we got out of that field in time! " :sofa:

[Penfold42]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Mark Wild]

:lol:

[Jiggles]

:lol:

[UltraBeat Entertainment]

I know i shouldn't find this funny but i do.


A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he :Rob James: (word censored by forum) in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

[SC Events]

haha :lol: :D

[Penfold42]

There must be something wrong with the NHS help line for swine flu as I rang it today and all I got was a load of “crackling.”

[Mark Wild]

Don't worry, swine flu has been cured.

[[email protected]]

God I feel as rough as hell. I think i've got swine flu. I keep coming out in rashers!

[andyw]

God I feel as rough as hell. I think i've got swine flu. I keep coming out in rashers!

are you telling porkies

[PropellerHeadCase]

We're not to be truffled with.

[Solitaire Events Ltd]

We're not to be truffled with.

:confused:

And that is related how?

Truffles are an edible fungus that pigs find...is that the link?

[PropellerHeadCase]

Ding sing, we have a winner! OK, so it was a tenuous link, but hey, you got it :D

That's what happens when you throw pearls before swine ('@')~

[andyw]

another sign of swine flu is sty's in the eyes:eek:
apparently this years flu jab is available in the form of oinkment

[Jiggles]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,

And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to Disperse.

'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

:coat:

[Kernow]

A group of builders on a far-away-from-home site were tucking into their full English in the B&B when the foreman suddenly appears clutching the Gideon Bible from his room open on a page toward the latter cover.

"Lads" he exclaimed "I've just read in here that Mary Magdelene had been engaged in the 'oldest profession' at the time of her meeting with Jesus"

The brickie, not to be outdone, took the good book, thumbed many chapters back and declared "Oldest profession !!! ?.....who do you think built Solomons Temple long before that ??"

The chippie grabbed the Testament, turned back even more chapters and made his case "No,No, ... way before that, who do you think it was that put Noahs' Ark together.

Finally, the sparky quietly opened the first page and quoted "On the first day. God said 'Let there be light'.............................







and we already had the cables in !!! " :D

[Penfold42]

40 pikeys :D are at heaven's gate's they meet with St Peter....
Pikey say's to St Peter...."Can you let us in?"
St Peter replies "There's only room for 3....but I'll go and have a word with the boss."

Off goes St Peter....."Boss - there are 40 pikeys wanting to come in?"
God has a quick think...."Tell them sorry."

Off he goes.....and comes back in ten minutes...."It's OK they have gone boss."

"What 40 gone?"

St Peter replies "No, the gates have gone!"

:D

[Excalibur]

Penmare's company send the lad and his colleagues off on a team weekend, designed to enhance their cognitive and deductive skills, to give them an edge in the marketplace. All goes well, and the team learn lots, culminating in a Camping trip. The organiser turns to Penmare late at night, and asks him what he can tell form the night sky Penmare, eager to show off his newly acquired skills looks up and says" Well, from the stars position in the sky I can tell we are in the Northern hemisphere, it is Summer, the weather is set fair. " He goes on in this fashion for five minutes.
" Well done Tony" says the organiser. " Unfortunately, you appear to the missed the most important and salient point:














Some :Censored:'s nicked the tent! :eek: "

[Penfold42]

:Sleeping: :Sleeping: :Sleeping: :Sleeping: :Sleeping: :Sleeping:

[Penfold42]

Celebrity Swine Flu Fatality.....and we know who gave it him!

[Penfold42]

Sounds about right.....:sj:

http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf

:D :D :D :D

[Penfold42]

A pirate walks into a bar...



BARTENDER:
Hey, Pete, I haven't seen you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible!

PIRATE:
What do you mean? I feel fine.

BARTENDER:
What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.

PIRATE:
Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,but I'm fine now.

BARTENDER:
Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?

PIRATE:
We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off, then I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine now.

BARTENDER:
What about the eye patch?

PIRATE:
Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them :Censored: in my eye.

BARTENDER:
You're kidding! You lost an eye just from bird :Censored: ?

PIRATE:
It was my first day with the hook!

[Excalibur]

As has been posted on here recently, Penmare has been having a little trouble with the old peepers. Reluctantly, he trots off to Specsavers. The optician seats him in front of the chart, and tells him to close one eye, and read the chart. For ten minutes our hero tries his best, screwing his face up into various contortions, but try as he might it's both eyes closed, or both open. :( :( Eventually, the optician can stand it no longer, and grabbing a cardboard box and a pair of scissors, fashions a pair of glasses where he can obscure each eye with a piece of cardboard. Standing back to admire his handiwork, he is surprised to see Penmare in tears!

"What's wrong? " he says, confused.





" I wanted some nice frames like those in the window!! " :D :D

[Excalibur]

All in all, it's not been a good week for Penmare. :( :( On Tuesday, he was persuaded to play a round of Golf, with some important clients, at a posh Golf Club. His party were only half way round, and had caught up a quartet of Females from the local hospital. One of their number was not doing too well, and in frustration gave the ball an almighty whack, and having caught it at an oblique angle, sent it hurtling in the direction of Penmare's group. :eek: :eek: There was an anguished cry, and Penmare fell to the ground, hands clasped over his important little parts. :eek: :( :( :(

Fortunately, one of the hospital players rushed over to tend our stricken hero, with a cry of " Let me through, I'm a Physiotherapist, I can help him. "

She loosened his garb, and proceeded to massage the affected area, much to the amusement of Penmare's party, and his personal embarrassment. :eek: :o :o :o :o :o :o :o

" Is that better?" she asked our now redfaced hero.
Mustering all the composure he could, Penmare replied:
















" Well yes thank you, but I still think my thumb's broken". :D :D :D :D

[Penfold42]

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river.."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill...."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said....


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(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

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"What's a headache?"

[Javlingames]

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river.."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill...."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said....


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(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

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"What's a headache?"

How old is that gag lol

[Corabar Steve]

As old as creation :sj:

Now where's that apple?

[mikeee]

Mummy Mummy, why do I keep running in circles...
..stand still dear whilst I nail your other foot to the floor

Mummy Mummy, can I lick the bowl...
...no dear, flush the toilet like everyone else

Mummy Mummy, whats for dinner...
...Shut up dear and get back in the oven

Mummy Mummy, can I have a straw...
...why dear...
The cats been sick and my brothers eaten the lumps.

[Penfold42]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's all my :Censored: fault'

[Dynamic Entertainment]

The Egyptian government have come up with a plan to try stop the riots in Cairo.

Get in a car, honk the horn & chill out.

They're calling it Toot-n-calm-doon!

[Jiggles]

Broadband from Yorkshire

Does that mean its difficult to understand, boring and slow?

:sj:

[Corabar Entertainment]

Ooooh, Callum... Peter will give you a slap for that one! :sofa: :D

[Excalibur]

Broadband from Yorkshire

Does that mean its difficult to understand, boring and slow?

:sj:

Only if you have to call t' helpline. :p :D :D

Ooooh, Callum... Peter will give you a slap for that one! :sofa: :D

Heaven forfend! :eek: That would be a clear breach of rule 12. :Naughty:

[Kernow]

Only if you have to call t' helpline. :p :D :D

Presumably overseas............






............. In Morecambe ? ;) :D :D :D

[hammy]

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked..
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other useless mug using my stuff."






















She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another mug?"

[Kernow]

Reminds me of a similar coversation I had a couple of years ago
"Darling" she said " If I were to die would you want another woman ?"
"Well" says I "It's possible as I would otherwise get very lonely"

"But would you let her live in our house ?"
"Well it's the only house I would have, so I probably would have to"

"And would you let her sleep in our bed ?"
"Again, it's the only bed that would be available"

"Surely you wouldn't let her drive my car ?"
" Of course not" says I......















"She only has a licence for an automatic !!" :doh:

:sofa:

[Daryll]

I have just received the new Mayan 2013 calendar

12 blank A4 pages.



:sofa:


Daryll

[Kernow]

I've just purchased a pack of Tesco Healthy Options burgers .........






...... "No added Shergar or Epsom Salts"

:D

[djdj]

I've just purchased a pack of Tesco Healthy Options burgers .........






...... "No added Shergar or Epsom Salts"

:D

I hear the tesco value meatballs are the dogs :Censored::Censored::Censored::Censored::Censored: :Censored::Censored::Censored:.. :p

[DazzyD]

I went to my local Tesco's today for dinner in their small cafe. I asked for a burger and the lady said "Would you like anything on it?" so I replied "How about a fiver each way??" ;)


I've just opened a pack of Iceland Value burgers -

and they're off!! .........>


I'm sure there's a million more of these out there.

To be fair, I don't understand the whole thing about people moaning about these burgers. They've probably been eating them for donkeys!!

[katman]

ITo be fair, I don't understand the whole thing about people moaning about these burgers. They've probably been eating them for donkeys!!

:lol: Personally I am more worried about sausages after the picture I saw on Facebook tonight !!!!

[KC Promotions]

15305

[ukpartydj]

I've just opened a pack of Iceland Value burgers -

and they're off!! .........>

I really can't believe they found horse DNA in a Tesco burger crazy stuff, I mean whatever next? My Lidl Pony?

[DazzyD]

I did a wedding last night and it was a very emotional affair. Even the cake was in tiers!

:bag: