An ape enters in a pub and ask the waitress :
- Do you have bananas?
- No we haven't.
- Do you have bananas?
- No we haven't.
- Do you have bananas?
- No I said, are you deaf?! If you ask me once more, I'll nail your tongue on the counter !
- Do you have nails ?
- No.
- Do you have bananas?
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. ''I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10* pound note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. `'What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and
another and another, etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, How moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash.
"£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
(Wait for it...........scroll down.)
''I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
*groans*:lol:
*you can supply the accents in your head... it does actually make it funnier.*
A woman gets on a bus and overhears two well-dressed Pakistani men having a good-natured argument...
"No, I'm telling you, it's 'W-O-O-M'!"
"No, no, it's not, it's 'W-O-O-O-M'!"
At which point she interrupts...
"If I may? It's 'W-O-M-B'."
Both men turn to her and one says...
"Oh? So you've heard an elephant fart, too?" :D
:lol:
Try this one......
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a c@cktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn c@cktail - it's much worse). Looking around the
gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."
(Get ready.....)
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
:D
Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony ................................................
OK so I've resisted for a while but it's about time for my tramp joke.
Tramp walks into a pub.
Barman: "Oy! - you're not welcome here - get out"
Tramp: "I just wanted a toothpick and I'll be on me way"
Barman hands over toothpick, tramp leaves.
Ten minutes later another tramp walks into the pub.
Barman: "You - out!"
Tramp: "But I only wanted to trouble you for a toothpick, and then I'll go"
Barman, puzzled, hands over a toothpick and the tramp duly leaves.
Ten minutes after that, another tramp walks into the pub.
Barman: "Oh, I've had enough of this, NO you CANNOT have a toothpick now beggar off!"
Tramp: "Toothpick? Nah mate, I only came in for a straw!"
Barman: "What on earth do you need a straw for?"
Tramp:
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keep scrolling
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"well someone's been sick on the pavement outside but all the good stuff's already gone!"
:beer1:
thats sick ....
Oh sorry... thread title is "Quick" joke thread... I thought it said Sick joke thread. My mistake :D
Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave ................What!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonfly