Don't worry, swine flu has been cured.
Don't worry, swine flu has been cured.
God I feel as rough as hell. I think i've got swine flu. I keep coming out in rashers!
are you telling porkiesQuote:
We're not to be truffled with.
:confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by PropellerHeadCase
And that is related how?
Truffles are an edible fungus that pigs find...is that the link?
Ding sing, we have a winner! OK, so it was a tenuous link, but hey, you got it :D
That's what happens when you throw pearls before swine ('@')~
another sign of swine flu is sty's in the eyes:eek:
apparently this years flu jab is available in the form of oinkment
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to Disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
:coat:
A group of builders on a far-away-from-home site were tucking into their full English in the B&B when the foreman suddenly appears clutching the Gideon Bible from his room open on a page toward the latter cover.
"Lads" he exclaimed "I've just read in here that Mary Magdelene had been engaged in the 'oldest profession' at the time of her meeting with Jesus"
The brickie, not to be outdone, took the good book, thumbed many chapters back and declared "Oldest profession !!! ?.....who do you think built Solomons Temple long before that ??"
The chippie grabbed the Testament, turned back even more chapters and made his case "No,No, ... way before that, who do you think it was that put Noahs' Ark together.
Finally, the sparky quietly opened the first page and quoted "On the first day. God said 'Let there be light'.............................
and we already had the cables in !!! " :D
40 pikeys :D are at heaven's gate's they meet with St Peter....
Pikey say's to St Peter...."Can you let us in?"
St Peter replies "There's only room for 3....but I'll go and have a word with the boss."
Off goes St Peter....."Boss - there are 40 pikeys wanting to come in?"
God has a quick think...."Tell them sorry."
Off he goes.....and comes back in ten minutes...."It's OK they have gone boss."
"What 40 gone?"
St Peter replies "No, the gates have gone!"
:D
Penmare's company send the lad and his colleagues off on a team weekend, designed to enhance their cognitive and deductive skills, to give them an edge in the marketplace. All goes well, and the team learn lots, culminating in a Camping trip. The organiser turns to Penmare late at night, and asks him what he can tell form the night sky Penmare, eager to show off his newly acquired skills looks up and says" Well, from the stars position in the sky I can tell we are in the Northern hemisphere, it is Summer, the weather is set fair. " He goes on in this fashion for five minutes.
" Well done Tony" says the organiser. " Unfortunately, you appear to the missed the most important and salient point:
Some :Censored:'s nicked the tent! :eek: "
:Sleeping: :Sleeping: :Sleeping: :Sleeping: :Sleeping: :Sleeping:
Celebrity Swine Flu Fatality.....and we know who gave it him!
Sounds about right.....:sj:
http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf
:D :D :D :D
A pirate walks into a bar...
BARTENDER:
Hey, Pete, I haven't seen you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible!
PIRATE:
What do you mean? I feel fine.
BARTENDER:
What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.
PIRATE:
Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,but I'm fine now.
BARTENDER:
Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?
PIRATE:
We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off, then I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine now.
BARTENDER:
What about the eye patch?
PIRATE:
Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them :Censored: in my eye.
BARTENDER:
You're kidding! You lost an eye just from bird :Censored: ?
PIRATE:
It was my first day with the hook!
As has been posted on here recently, Penmare has been having a little trouble with the old peepers. Reluctantly, he trots off to Specsavers. The optician seats him in front of the chart, and tells him to close one eye, and read the chart. For ten minutes our hero tries his best, screwing his face up into various contortions, but try as he might it's both eyes closed, or both open. :( :( Eventually, the optician can stand it no longer, and grabbing a cardboard box and a pair of scissors, fashions a pair of glasses where he can obscure each eye with a piece of cardboard. Standing back to admire his handiwork, he is surprised to see Penmare in tears!
"What's wrong? " he says, confused.
" I wanted some nice frames like those in the window!! " :D :D
All in all, it's not been a good week for Penmare. :( :( On Tuesday, he was persuaded to play a round of Golf, with some important clients, at a posh Golf Club. His party were only half way round, and had caught up a quartet of Females from the local hospital. One of their number was not doing too well, and in frustration gave the ball an almighty whack, and having caught it at an oblique angle, sent it hurtling in the direction of Penmare's group. :eek: :eek: There was an anguished cry, and Penmare fell to the ground, hands clasped over his important little parts. :eek: :( :( :(
Fortunately, one of the hospital players rushed over to tend our stricken hero, with a cry of " Let me through, I'm a Physiotherapist, I can help him. "
She loosened his garb, and proceeded to massage the affected area, much to the amusement of Penmare's party, and his personal embarrassment. :eek: :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
" Is that better?" she asked our now redfaced hero.
Mustering all the composure he could, Penmare replied:
" Well yes thank you, but I still think my thumb's broken". :D :D :D :D
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river.."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill...."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said....
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(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)
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"What's a headache?"
How old is that gag lolQuote:
Originally Posted by Penfold42
As old as creation :sj:
Now where's that apple?
Mummy Mummy, why do I keep running in circles...
..stand still dear whilst I nail your other foot to the floor
Mummy Mummy, can I lick the bowl...
...no dear, flush the toilet like everyone else
Mummy Mummy, whats for dinner...
...Shut up dear and get back in the oven
Mummy Mummy, can I have a straw...
...why dear...
The cats been sick and my brothers eaten the lumps.
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'
The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk.'
The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's all my :Censored: fault'
The Egyptian government have come up with a plan to try stop the riots in Cairo.
Get in a car, honk the horn & chill out.
They're calling it Toot-n-calm-doon!
Broadband from Yorkshire
Does that mean its difficult to understand, boring and slow?
:sj:
Ooooh, Callum... Peter will give you a slap for that one! :sofa: :D
Only if you have to call t' helpline. :p :D :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Jiggles
Heaven forfend! :eek: That would be a clear breach of rule 12. :Naughty:Quote:
Originally Posted by Corabar Entertainment
Presumably overseas............Quote:
Originally Posted by Excalibur
............. In Morecambe ? ;) :D :D :D
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked..
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other useless mug using my stuff."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another mug?"
Reminds me of a similar coversation I had a couple of years ago
"Darling" she said " If I were to die would you want another woman ?"
"Well" says I "It's possible as I would otherwise get very lonely"
"But would you let her live in our house ?"
"Well it's the only house I would have, so I probably would have to"
"And would you let her sleep in our bed ?"
"Again, it's the only bed that would be available"
"Surely you wouldn't let her drive my car ?"
" Of course not" says I......
"She only has a licence for an automatic !!" :doh:
:sofa:
I have just received the new Mayan 2013 calendar
12 blank A4 pages.
:sofa:
Daryll
I've just purchased a pack of Tesco Healthy Options burgers .........
...... "No added Shergar or Epsom Salts"
:D
I hear the tesco value meatballs are the dogs :Censored::Censored::Censored::Censored::Censored: :Censored::Censored::Censored:.. :pQuote:
Originally Posted by Kernow
I went to my local Tesco's today for dinner in their small cafe. I asked for a burger and the lady said "Would you like anything on it?" so I replied "How about a fiver each way??" ;)
I've just opened a pack of Iceland Value burgers -
and they're off!! .........>
I'm sure there's a million more of these out there.
To be fair, I don't understand the whole thing about people moaning about these burgers. They've probably been eating them for donkeys!!
:lol: Personally I am more worried about sausages after the picture I saw on Facebook tonight !!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by DazzyD
I really can't believe they found horse DNA in a Tesco burger crazy stuff, I mean whatever next? My Lidl Pony?Quote:
Originally Posted by DazzyD
I did a wedding last night and it was a very emotional affair. Even the cake was in tiers!
:bag: